Living for other people's validation you are now living according to their values. Not yours, which means you are creating a life that may not be valuable to you.
I know for the past few weeks. I've been sharing behind-the-scenes Clips. So you can hear me a Q&A sessions at conferences seminars workshops and a leading companies around the world. But I'm so happy to be back live with you here today. And today's theme is so important so powerful. I can't wait to get into it now because it's in December as well. I want to start preparing our minds for 2020. I believe that preparation for 20 20 starts right now. It doesn't
In January, it doesn't start on January 1st. It starts right now. And so you're going to be hearing a lot of that. So if you're really wanting to prepare your mind prepare your energy and prepare your focus for 2020 then I want you to keep coming back every single week because that's exactly what we're going to be doing. I'm going to start off by letting go of a lot of the things that may hold us back into 2019, you know, when it comes to the end of the year you have to reflect on the things that worked the things that went really well.
And rather than just reflecting on the things that didn't go. Well, you need to start shedding the baggage you need to start letting go of those things that blocked you from doing well, and I think this is a huge mistake that so many of us make is that we reflect on what went right and we reflect on what went wrong, but we don't let go of what went wrong and why it went wrong and we don't do more of what when right so I really want you to think about this really really important point before we get in today's theme and topic that as your
mean to the end of 2019 reflect on what when right reflect on what works reflect on the things you're happy about and at the same time become really conscious and aware of what went wrong, but more importantly why it went wrong and start shedding that baggage from your life letting it removed from your life letting it go from your life and you know because of each and every one of you this has been a really fun and exciting year for me and I'm just so grateful that you're all here today and as you know,
So today's theme is six things to stop expecting from others, right? This is so important if we can leave our expectations of others in 2019. This is the first thing that I want you to let go of this year. This is the first thing that I want you to leave behind this year because it's these expectations of others. It's these obligations of others is these opinions of others that hold us back.
Stop us from our higher selves that block us from our greatest potential and if we can let go of these six and today I'm not just going to share what those six are. I'm going to share how to actually do that with these particular things. And if we start making that progress right now, if we just start taking those steps right now, you will see an incredible amount of change in your life. Now, let's really dissect expectations for a moment and
I'm actually just going to pick up some my notes here and I want to have a look at the you can probably hear me typing away, which is great. You know that I'm here with you right now trying to dissect this topic for you. And I'm really intrigued to look at the definition of expectation. And I really believe you should do this more often. We use dictionary to check meanings of words. We didn't know about but we forget we don't really know the meanings of words. We use everyday when you were young. You were trained to pick up the dictionary if you don't know this word you
The
heard it before what does that word mean? And so we did that but then words that we use everyday. We just expect we know the meaning and lately. I've been forcing myself as a habit. I've been developing this other not even forcing myself to look at words that I use regularly and ask myself. Well, what does that mean to me? And what does that mean to someone else? And what does that mean to all of you and so expectation is one of those words now listen to this really carefully the definition of expectation is a strong.
Belief that something will happen or be the case in the future right a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. Now, let me get really close to this definition and dissected from the way I'm seeing it when we think of an expectation. We see it as something we expect we expect it to happen because it seems obvious but
Lee our expectations are not based on reality there a projected reality there a belief there are hope they're a want their a desire they're not necessarily based on reality. So when people say like Jay, but of course you have to have some expectations from other people because otherwise, how can you have a real relationship and I'm like, yes, you should have real expectations which in my opinion. I just called reality and
Dealing with what you see in front of you versus projected reality. So imagine you're listening to someone you're listening to them. Say something like hey, I I don't really understand where we're going with this. I don't really, you know, I'm not really into you anymore. I don't really like you anymore. I don't think this is working out your hearing that but your expectation is no we can figure this out. Your projected reality is no no. No, we're going to figure this out. We've done it before we're going to figure out we're going to master this.
But you're not listening carefully to what's actually being said, you're not accepting what's really truly being said so so many times our expectations let us down because we're not accepting what is being said now accepting what is being said doesn't mean you are fatalistic. It doesn't mean you accept it and then feel upset that that's just where lives are but at the same time you don't want to have false expectations and so often expectations.
Make us hold on and things Linger on I'm sure you've all felt the pain of expectation in your life. And I really want to help you remove that and let go of it in 2019. So if you're ready to let go of your expectations the six things to stop expecting from others in 2019, you're in exactly the right place and I can't wait to dive into this with you. It's one of my favorite themes and topics that we've talked about on the podcast and I'm really excited to be sharing it with you right now now,
This destroys slightly slightly connected, but I think it's really powerful. I don't know how many of you have seen the movie The Theory of Everything. It's the life story of Stephen Hawking the incredible thinker and and scientist and the phenomenal thing about Stephen Hawking is that I believe he was told when he was around 21 years old that he had about six months left to live and Stephen Hawking has said that he said my expectations were reduced to zero.
When I was 21 everything since then has been a bonus, right and I believe he's also added on that that when one's expectations are reduced to zero one really appreciates. Everything one does have and what's fascinating about that approach is imagine being told at such an early age that you had six months left to live and the incredible thing about Stephen Hawking is that I believed he lived
for 76 years. Imagine having been told you have six months left to live and he lived for 76 years. I believed he even wrote a best-selling book even though what multiple best-selling books, but one of his best-selling books, he could only write four words per minute. Let's just just let that sink in for a moment. He could only write for words per minute and he wrote a best-selling book and multiple best-selling books. It's insane to
Is how when we stop expecting life when we stop expecting people when we stop expecting things to do the work for us, but we choose to do the work for ourselves. We choose to give that to ourselves what powerful things can
happen.
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So we see here a young man who is told he had six months left to live. He had no more expectations left of people of life or of death because he just didn't know and he went on to live 76 years in which he achieved a phenomenal amount of stuff. Let's just let me just actually just take a look at that to just share some of his achievements with you if you're not familiar with him, or you're not exactly sure about what he did. So I've literally just
Let's get right now and you've got he's got the Albert Einstein medal in 1979. That sounds like the coolest medal of all time. He's got the Albert Einstein award in 1978. He's got the presidential medal of freedom in 2009. You know, I mean, he's got I mean there's a long long list of
awards and accolades here. And the reason I'm just pointing that out. It's just looking at how when he stopped having expectations because his expectations were reduced to zero how much power we think when we reduce our expectations we reduce our power, but actually when we reduce our expectations, we increase our power because our expectations are based on what we want other people to do for us our
Based on what we think are the people should do for us. Our expectations are based on what we expect other people to give to us. But when you remove that down to zero, you take all of that energy away from what you think other people should do what you want other people to do what you expect other people to do and you turn that expectation into your own implementation. That's the difference you're transforming the expectation of this have for you into your own.
Own implementation. I'm in the zone right now. I'm totally in flow. I am hoping that you're with me on this podcast already. I hope you're writing things down. I hope you're taking notes. This was one of those moments where I really think it's so important to just let this sink in 21 years old six months left to live lives for 76 years makes a huge impact removes zero expectation, right zero expectations.
It's a 16-6 ways to create zero expectation from others. So let's start with the first of the six things and I'm going to say this straight up front with you right now. These are not easy steps. I'm not expecting you to leave them all behind in one go but the process has to start today. The process has to start today and I'm guessing you're not affected by all six of them. You'll be affected by a few of them. And as you're listening I want you to think about which one's you're affected by.
Which one your friends and partners are affected by because it's so important to become conscious and aware of the expectations that are holding us back. So the first expectation we have to genuinely let go of for the first thing we have to stop expecting from others its closure. I know that's hard to hear if you've been through a tough breakup. Maybe you are ghosted recently.
Maybe someone told you they loved you and they were going to marry you and then they broke your heart. Maybe you were with someone for a significant period of time and you saw a future with them. Even if there was nothing promised or or stated or guaranteed but then that fell apart and the best explanation they could give you was it's not you it's me right or the best explanation. They could give you was it's just not working out anymore or the best explanation they could give you
I think we're moving in two different directions or whatever it is. Or maybe you're actually saying Jay you listening to me gangjae. I actually didn't get any explanation. Like there was no closure right? There was no closure. There was no answers. There was no there was no clarification on why this happened what it happened for how many of you have ever been in that position before where you didn't receive the closure you felt you deserved you've invested years and years and years into this relationship.
A months and months and months of your life or energy and energy and energy and you got nothing you got nothing and you're sitting there saying listening to gangjae How can you tell me to expect nothing when I put in so much work, how can you tell me to stop expecting closure what he is the reason why you have to stop expecting closure because guess what? You're probably not going to get it. You're probably not going to get it and you still expecting it means you're still living in a past reality. You're still living.
That projected reality which means you can't move on with actual reality. You can't move on with your life because you have an expectation which is anchored in a past event anytime. You have an expectation that's anchored in a past event. You can't live in the present because you're still wanting something to happen from before it's almost like it's almost like you keep going back to your old house because you're still expecting male there, right? So you have to keep going back to check every single day.
You keep going back there every single day. How much time does that waste how much time and energy does that take away from where you are right now and specifically with closure.
Because the truth is the reason why people can't give you closure is they might not even have found the answers themselves. The reason why no one can give you closure is because they probably haven't clarified the situation for themselves. They don't even have their own Clarity on the situation. They haven't reflected enough in a deep way for themselves let alone to articulate it to you. And so even if you get closure even if they make an attempt
Even if they give you a reason you will always have another 10 follow-up questions that they won't have an answer to and you're leaving yourself open. It's like leaving a wound ripped open right? It's almost like saying I'm not going to put a bandage on my wound because someone else is going to put that bandage on it for me. I'm not going to clean out the the mess and the dirt from this wound because because I don't have to do that. They need to do that. Right? Someone pushes you over you get caught and you're like I'm not going to
Going to clean this wound. I'm not going to cover up this car. I'm not going to put a bandage and I'm going to get them to do it because they pushed me over.
I mean what happens if they pushed you over and walked away what happens if it was far more serious? What happens in that scenario? Do you do you put a bandage on yourself? Do you heal that wound? Do you drag yourself to Hospital of his that's desperate or serious or do you just go? No, I'm just going to live with this because I'm gonna expect it from them slow. Wait till they come and give it to me you till they find a way to tell me this whether it takes 5 10 15 20 years and by that time, you know, that wound is so bad that you've got infections and also it doesn't make sense like
Do you get where I'm going with that that doesn't make any sense you would never do that. You would realize that you have a wound. It's your body. Just as a wound is on your body and it's yours to deal with this emotional wound of needing closure is on your mind, and it's yours to deal with and when you give up the expectation of others to give you closure, you actually seal that wound far more effectively.
Yourself? And here's how you do it. Any question you have for them. You answer it personally, but you don't take it personally the biggest mistake we do when we're looking for closure is we take someone leaving us as a personal discredit to our character our appearance our personality. We take it as a personal attack on who we are how we look how we behave
When someone leaves us we actually leave ourselves right when someone leaves us we end up leaving ourselves because we stop being ourselves. We start judging ourselves harsher. We like I'm not beautiful enough. I'm not good-looking enough. I'm not funny enough. I'm not supportive enough. I'm not stable enough and and all that does is it makes you all those things right as soon as you start thinking? I'm not stable. You're not stable as soon as you start thinking. I'm not confident. You're not confident and you start building there.
So instead of waiting for the answers from them you create your own answers that help you find closure where you're honest with yourself, but all for the purpose of moving
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Just as you do with a physical wound you have to do the same with an emotional wound. You can't keep going to the person who pushed you over and expecting them to do that. And that may mean, you know, giving yourself closure May mean removing things that belong to that personal memories from your space right creating closure for yourself, maybe giving yourself space to vent your feelings that they never let
You so one of your biggest issues maybe that you never got to tell them everything you felt and all the pain they made you experience. So you're now going to write it out and you're going to read it to them as if they were standing right in front of you. So you still get to do the process. You still get to go through the emotions. They may not physically be there to hear it. But you have to recognize that it's far more about you feeling like you've shared it then them even hearing it. So you're still going to give yourself that time and that space and
the energy and most importantly you're going to rewrite the ending. You're going to rewrite the ending in a way that helps you push forward. So the first thing we have to stop expecting from others is closure closure closure closure. I know so many people have wasted so much time energy and effort in waiting for closure. The second thing that we have to stop expecting from others another tough one isn't
Holla. Jeez. There's a famous statement that says we should learn to accept apologies. We've never received right we have to learn to accept apologies. We've never received because again just like closure people sometimes are not even aware of the mistakes. They've done and you message a how can they not know like it's so obvious this person really messed up and they haven't said sorry for it and my answer to that is okay. Maybe they even know.
Maybe they're just too embarrassed. Maybe they just too guilty. But get in why you going to keep living that moment over and over again rather than just accepting that apology for yourself and a lot of the time the reason why we are expecting an apology from someone else is because we haven't forgiven ourselves. We haven't actually apologize to ourselves for connecting with that person for interacting with that person for building.
Relationship with that person we're expecting an apology from someone else because we haven't forgiven ourselves take that in write that down. We're expecting an apology from someone else because we haven't forgiven ourselves. When you forgive yourself when you apologize to yourself for the mistakes you made in that relationship for the lesson you learn from getting involved with them when you give yourself that space you no longer crave that forgiveness. Sorry that apology from
um someone else which you don't even know because sometimes people apologize and then you're like, well, I know that's not even real. I know you don't mean it. I know that you you're not sincere and guess what then that person goes. Oh, well, that's all I had to say. And then again you feel discontent when we leave our expectation open to others we end up leaving it open forever. We we kind of make it to a point where we may never be satisfied because even if they give us an apology, we may not be satisfied with the depth of their apology the level of their apology.
Yes, if you want to live in a constant never-ending cycle of expectation be my guest leave it open. But if you want to get to a place where you're really ready to form new relationships and start again, then you have to give yourself the apology you expect from someone else you have to write. So in the same way, I would focus on self forgiveness in that scenario the way to stop expecting apologies for somewhere else is
giving yourself the forgiveness for the mistakes you made the lessons you learned and whatever apology you think they should be giving you you have to give it to yourself first where you have to start there the third thing which kind of links to the first two but I kept it separate because sometimes you may say J closures too deep for me apologies. The third is explanations. Some people are just terrible at articular actually. Most of us are terrible at articulating our
Is in painful situations because we've talked we've been told to suppress them. We've been told to hide our feelings in tough situations. We've been told to toughen up or man up or stop being, you know, stop crying like a girl or like, you know, like a little boy whatever and all of these things build up negative Perceptions in our mind because what does that mean? What does it mean a man up or stop crying like a girl like these are not positive emotional statements. These are not positive vocabularies to describe our
Emotions and so we're not good at explaining how we feel because when we were in pain, we were just told to stop you never told to feel it. You never told to experience it. You never told to heal it you were just told to stop is like stop crying. It's not that bad. Don't worry about it. Right? Whereas when you stop expecting explanations from others you get an opportunity to explain how you feel to yourself.
And this is so powerful that when you go through a painful situation, you've got to find the right vocabulary to articulate it to others to yourself to your friend your coach your therapist your Mentor your trainer because when you build up the vocabulary to explain it you develop more confidence to move on and that's the key here. When you stop expecting explanations from others you build up the confidence in yourself that you
you have the power to overcome this but when you're constantly looking for someone else to fill the Gap and provide an explanation, you take their explanation as reality and guess what now, their explanation becomes your reality and let's say their explanation is oh, I just found someone better or their explanation is you're not good enough without you finding your vocabulary for that explanation that explanation becomes your reality. So again an explanation from someone else is not satisfactory. It doesn't fulfill.
You're truly looking for the fourth thing to stop expecting from others is understanding how many of us want our parents our friends our teachers our managers our bosses to our partners to understand our passions to understand our goals to understand our dreams. I hear it all the time people o j-- the people around me don't understand.
Me they don't understand how bad I want this. They don't understand how much this means to me. They don't understand why I'm chasing this. They don't understand me. I hear that all the time from so many people the truth is there's a few areas here. The first thing is sometimes they don't understand you because you actually don't express it. Well people can't understand you. They can't read it in between the lines or read your mind. If you don't express if something is important to you, right and this can be as simple.
People as your passion and your purpose, I remember when I first started making videos so many of my friends would just like oh, well, this is never going to go anywhere and I couldn't expect them to understand what I was trying to do and I kept going and some of them turned around and do understand and some of them still don't understand what the point is that if you wait for someone to understand you may never start doing something because people can't read in between the lines and and the question I have to ask is always have you actually ever sat them down and explained it to them.
M or have you just expected them to see things about you and understand and so often the reason why people don't understand us is we haven't expressed to them our understanding and so the first about says take some time out if there are people in your life that you love and you want them to understand you present a case for why they should understand you present a case expressing why something is important to you and if you've done that really effectively well
And they still don't understand you. Then. You have to recognize that them not understanding you is this because their heads in a different place? They've got a different set of experiences a different background different Walk of Life that they're on and they can't see eye-to-eye with you, but you can't let that stop you from your future. You can't let that limit you from what's possible for you? So the fourth thing we have to stop expecting from others is
adding
The
fifth thing we have to stop expecting from others is validation how many of us before we go out to an evening out or a party and I know, you know Christmas parties coming up and holiday parties. How many of you going out? And the first thing you do is you look to your friend and say how do I look in this right? I do all the time to you know, like how do I look in this and what we're looking for is validation. And so if someone says yeah, you look good in that even if we don't feel comfortable we end up wearing it.
It and then you end up checking your reflection all night because you don't feel comfortable or you can't keep like trying to sort out your appearance or whatever is because you don't feel comfortable in it. And so always thinking that validation or we do it even in in in deeper ways. Like when people say like how do people describe you in three words. My question is how do you describe yourself in three words? Because how you feel about yourself how you validate yourself and what's right for you because just as you could end up wearing something to an evening out that you're not comfortable in you could end up working.
In a career that you're not comfortable in you could end up dedicating your life to someone or something that you don't care about because you're looking for external
validation.
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External value the need for external validation the expectation for external validation drives us to do some of the stupidest things ever. We do some of the worst things in our life. We make some the worst career love relationship financial decisions because of the need for external validation you buy something you can't afford for external validation you invest in something to look cool because of external validation you try and live a certain lifestyle go to some country to have a
External validation and I saw many people that go on holiday because they saw someone else famous or influence your own holiday there and not to enjoy it because that's not the holiday vacation. They wanted right we make such bad decisions when we live for the expect so validation and that's an expectation that she drives Us in the wrong direction and we set ourselves up for failure because sometimes that person doesn't validate us even when they do it.
So even when you take that action you do the thing that you think someone's going to have a response to and then they don't write you get that promotion and they don't have that response. You get the partner you get a car you get a house whatever it is and then that person doesn't actually validate you they don't validate you for whatever reason because their validation their values have changed.
When you are looking to be validated by others, you're living according to their values. I listened to that carefully write it down when you're living for other people's validation. You are now living according to their values. Not yours.
Which means you are creating a life that may not be valuable to you and the sixth and final thing that we have to stop expecting from others is belief. No one will believe in you more than you believe in yourself. I posted this the the other day on Instagram and I shared it really openly I was being really open and honest and vulnerable. And as I said, I wasted a lot of time waiting.
Opportunities waiting for people to spot me waiting for someone to build my career and one day as I was waiting. I realized I was just watching my life pass by waiting is really just wishing don't let it fool you right waiting is just wishing in Disguise. Don't let it fool you. That's what you're doing by saying. I'm just being patient. I'm just waiting. Well, no if you're waiting you're wasting time and you just watching your Life Path.
Passed by as you continue to wish and we're waiting for someone to believe in us so that we can believe in ourselves. Just just think about messed up that is for a second like well Waiting For Something to Believe In us so we can believe in ourselves. We actually believe more in ourselves when other people believe more in us, but actually you don't realize it's the other way around people believe more in you when you believe in yourself, right when you believe in yourself and you're saying but Jay, how do I believe in myself because No One Believes In Me you starting on the wrong path you believe in yourself.
Stonework effort you believe in yourself. When you live up to the commitments and promises you make to yourself when you make a promise to yourself and you organize your life to live up to that promise you build belief when you get the coaching the mentoring and the work and the research to build a skill you build belief in yourself. When you see yourself overcoming odds, you build belief in yourself. You don't build build believe in yourself because someone wrote a nice article about you in a magazine, you don't believe in yourself because someone tells you you're amazing.
Raising that's not how you build belief in yourself, but we could have created a world where we're constantly basing our belief on ourselves. Hoping that people believe in us first, that's why we're depressed or upset when we don't have thousands of comments or millions of views or hundreds of likes or whatever. It may be because we're saying that I'm going to believe in myself when people around me believe in me.
So these are the six things today to stop expecting from others and we're not going to do them all at the same time. But I wanted you to be aware of them. I wanted you to become conscious of them and how much they holding you back and this is probably one of my favorite podcasts have done this year because I'm just I'm genuine just flying this, you know, this episode right now is just what's really on my mind about these areas. And so the six things to stop expecting from others is closure.
Apologies explanations understanding validation and belief give them to yourself first and watch your life change every time you catch yourself expecting any of these things from someone else come back to this episode listen to it again go to that section and give it to yourself first. Thank you so much for listening today everyone. I am so grateful.
Each and every single one of you and I wanted to share this amazing news with you if you still with me and this is all thanks to you. So everyone who's listening in India, thank you so much. Listen to this on purpose with Jay Shetty was the most streamed podcast on Spotify in India out of all the podcasts in India like that is just insane. Thank you to everyone who's listening from India and thank you to everyone who's listening from all over the world because Apple named me as 29 s most popular new shows it name 25
new shows out of adding a hundred and fifty thousand new shows that have been released this year and we were in the top 25. Thanks to each and every single one of you and we're consistently the number one Health podcast in the world as well. So I just wanted a moment to say thank you to each and every one of you were an hour over 10,000 5 Star reviews on iTunes as well. So go ahead and leave a review of you. Haven't leave it on Spotify subscribe on all platforms. But thank you for making us, you know, this incredible conscious community of change.
Makers and I can't wait for you to hear next week's episode. Make sure you share this one. Share the ones share the point there were so many insights in this one that I can't wait to go and learn and practice in my life, too. So make sure you post them on Instagram tag me. I love seeing your tags, and I'll see you next
week.
Hey, this is Jay Farner. CEO of Quicken Loans. Quicken Loans is celebrating our best quarter ever. And now we're celebrating some of the lowest refinancing rates ever rates are historically low, you may be able to reduce your rate and save money on your monthly mortgage payment right now. This is your chance pay off some credit card debt or put some money towards that new bathroom or kitchen. You've always wanted the rate today in our 30 year fixed rate. Mortgage is three point nine nine percent APR for point one eight percent. That's
Three point nine nine percent APR for point one eight percent while we can't predict what will happen in the future. We do know that rates have dropped and now is the time to save money on your mortgage. Call us today at 800 quid caen or go to Rocket mortgage.com to learn how refinancing now maybe the right mortgage solution for you. That's 800 Quicken or go to Rocket mortgage.com rates subject to change a one point three seven five percent feeder see this discounted rate call for cost information and conditions Equal Housing lender license in all 50 states and MLS number.
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