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We're having so much fun. We were laughing so hard and Whitney Cummings was scheduled to be on the podcast today and we had been in this fucking Savage text chain making each other laugh and I said to witness said what do you think about like have a nanny come on with us? And she was like fuck. Yeah, and it was the right call these two together are hilarious like as funny as any two human beings together on Earth and I really think they should do their own podcast. I know you've heard that for me before and you can hear it during the podcast, but I think I'm right. I think they'll dominate the
Girl team podcast game. Anyway, please give it up for the Great and Powerful Annie Lederman and Whitney Cummings.
Check it out The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night
all day.
First of all, how do you to not have a show
together
hanging with you guys the other night at the store. First of all how much fun was that the vast
it was so fun. But is that what did I can't remember because it's been so long. It's been like six months. Now was that what every night was like a lot of nights were like to just had the craziest like a circus freak knowledge laughing constantly God.
We used to go to the back bar and crack each other up now. That was the constant thing for house either in the back bar the back smoking area and everybody was laughing. Yeah and
You get like a low-grade depression when you're not around it. Yeah, forget it true. You forget for months and months and months. And then we had one night. We're all
like shooting up. It's a ridiculous shit. I do feel like I had like a crush on the night. Like I kept thinking about like weed fucked for the first time. I was like, I fucked that night and I is he thinking about me to another texting with you guys waste you remember this was three days replaying that I remember when you said this that was how I
got so emotional when I pulled up and
when I walked into the store, I almost cried. I was like, I can't believe I'm here like it's just and then it just this is sweet. It's not like any like if I had been away for five months and I came back and like I can't believe I'm here to be great. But I was like who is here going to ever be here again is never going to be what it used to be because it didn't look there's no reason why it shouldn't be if we could do it the other night. Yeah. Yeah. We did it the other night. Everybody gets tested you go and hang out and it's fun and
we have ties to detest we do all covid. Unfortunately my chlamydia killed Mike Ovitz. I'm good.
Each other as a way we think we crossed we don't know right what if it's an
annual thing. It keeps coming back. I have a friend who got malaria and then he got malaria again when he got sick. So it had been dormant inside of his system. My friend Justin Ren he runs fight for the Forgotten. He does charities in the Congo we builds Wells for the pygmies and he's there all he got malaria three fucking times. And so he goes over there. He gets malaria like deathly ill comes back and then he beats it.
It does all the medication than a long time later. He gets really sick. And when he gets sick the malaria kicks back in again, and he wasn't even in the Congo.
The Mary Keller is like not to be forgotten. This is a charity for me. Malaria has
killed more people than anything. That's right. Like anything ever than Wars. I think
my dad malaria, he was born and his death. He was born in Panama because his dad was stationed there and he got malaria when he was a baby but it never came up
again. I never had any problems with Jamie didn't we look this up didn't it? Didn't they say that? No, I fucked us up that malaria skilled half
People who've ever died ever. Whoa something that it meant that the when we looked it up. It's been next jackets ready a little bit, but it's definitely killed a lot of people. Let's say harder if we say a quarter. It's probably pretty something like imagine that just lets say a 25% of all have ever died ever. Somebody killed by malaria mosquitoes, right? So they just I just put this on my Twitter my Instagram that they released or they're about to release some fucking Untold hundreds of millions of genetically modified mosquitoes in the Everglades.
Blades are in the Florida Keys. Therefore. I think who the fuck
knows and what is this supposed to do? I don't know you get some fucking nerd. You read it delivering the vaccine. I just got scared away from
it. And I got a text from a friend of mine is biologist. He was like, what the fuck are they doing? If
you're scared now, I'm really scared. I saw you post that I was like maybe I should read the article and then I was like reading is really challenging. Maybe I'll just go and ask her what happened her horn. It's like I still don't know what happened with the p tape. Like I'm so behind every day is
some crazy intranalyzing.
Snoring think the p-type is real and is it going to come out like right before the election? But if it does come out right before the
election, but does it work now because of the Malin thing, like
people are they're voting already.
Right? Right, right. I think we are sort of at a point where nothing fucking matters. We're in this sort of like nihilistic thing where it's like if a p tape came out right now of trump like peeing on someone would just be like, I don't care. Nobody cares. He's a lot like his rump darn like I like him because of how he treats women as it always as long as he doesn't pee on women. I love how women leave the
the room with him drive from your long as he didn't apologize. He'd be fine exactly as soon as you apologize. You're fucked. You can't cancel Trump. It's like it's like in a car accident the first person to apologize. It's their fault shooter gotta just get out of the car accident just be like what the fuck man what the fuck was
that but it is a gross thing when someone hits you and then they say that was your fault. You're like,
oh never apologize. You told me that your dad taught you that right never apologize. Yep, we can told me after I got in a car accident the one advice my dad gave me that was the best advice was when you're in a car accident never say sorry because you'll get blamed for it, but
You actually actually did it. Then. You should say sorry if you hit somebody with your car you'll be running so well, like I'm gonna sue the shit out of him
you missing a leg. I'm not paying for that.
Don't you think you should say sorry if your rear-end
someone of course. Yeah, I did that. I was thinking about you because you posted that irresistible that but the other day dude, I rear-end someone texting like a year ago and I got out and I was like, I know I need to have a consequence for this Behavior because I was texting and driving. Well, you have to get the consequence Caitlyn Jenner. You have to become a man you have to transition.
How can you give me a doctor and
that's how you avoid the consequences right? Because nobody even talks about the Caitlyn Jenner
thing. Yeah, it's crazy. Like he harvested the vagina of the how many cultures. Oh my God. That is what I miss you so much.
He's it's a travesty that that guy's not more well-known and every time I do a podcast with them to he's so he's funny on podcast. He's smart as fuck. He's really well read. He's
great. Yeah, his ideas are very unique funny smart. Yeah, there's something that was so important at The Comedy Store. The other night is that these last six months have sort of Hoodwinked me into believing that like jokes are dead that we're not allowed to make jokes anymore, right and good because Twitter right sort of, you know, we're hallucinating with all the shit. We're seeing on Twitter and blowing it up to be bigger than
It should be but like as soon as I saw Tony Hinchcliffe, I think I said
he's the best for that that little motherfucker will say the most evil
shit to just be on the internet if you're just on the internet and not seeing human beings making jokes when actual people you can be tricked into thinking that that shit's
real. Well Stanhope really said it best wants. He said I could quit comedy.
I couldn't quit comics and that's what the other night was. Like like I've had my little fix where I did a weekend in Houston a couple a month or so ago, but it wasn't as fun as last that's nice. That's nice the most fun because it was just a bunch of
comics just laughing at each other talking over each other. It was just like amazing, but
just the art form of saying shit, you don't really mean and everyone knows it we all know like if you say something really gross to me. I know you don't mean it.
I'm laughing ha it's like it's understood and it's also understood that you're you're taking a big fucking chance with our friendship by
saying this. Yeah around me. Yes. Could you trust me? It's like the ultimate trust fall or something. I'm going to say some crazy shit to you. You're not going to abandon me or judge me and you're going to be it's like a trauma Bond drive Devon trauma Bond.
I've said some things to you where you've looked at me like and I'm like are we not friends anymore? Like there's two things I said to you that I'll never forget and I like because I just say things when they come to my head. Yeah, we noticed
if I react that way it's because I have to react that way. It's
like one of those like do you think you have CTA CTE and like you could possibly like at one point like murder your family your mind. Do you want do you think I could and I was like, oh, I don't know but, you know part
of the fun is mach.
It's like fuck you just say to me. It's an emotional spying or something, you know, and and it's really fucked up because like just what's been going on the last couple years, you know, it's like I never feel more equal like when people don't talk about men and women and I never feel more equal than when a male comic is fucking pummeling me because they know I'm not physically because they know I can fucking take it right, you
know you handle right? That's exactly that's what's fun about it is like they do not doing it to be a bully they knew it they're doing it because you want to spar and you can handle
Like
okay bitch, let's go and then everyone's at nobody wants you to go like how and then like Salk and walk away that book and everything. Thank you for not thinking everything. Thank you for not thinking I'm fragile, but it is funny when you just go like a little too far. Well, that's the risk or the pink arrow thing. I wrote about you. I was like is she gonna get mad at me about that? But she tweeted we were FaceTiming last night and she tweeted her Instagram a picture of it and she goes and he let him in your a mess and I wrote Okay pink hair, but it's nothing. I don't know. I'm just like it.
And I don't know some people have weird Achilles heels, you know, some people have weird. I mean, I'm doing the roasts all the time. It's amazing how you can accuse people of rape and say like crazy shit racist shit. But then as soon as you say like your dogs ugly like they want to fuckin storm off and that's you obviously. This battle
was really good for comedy. Really?
That's okay Andy and I met the first time no so we talk about it. Yeah, our meet-cute story. We didn't start off on great terms. It was it was okay, though wasn't about you you
Texted me so fast after that. I was like it's so weird when he comes just texted me, but you are intimidating. I am going to say that there's something very intimidating about you. It's because you're showing your midriff at all times. It doesn't matter all different shapes of muffins. It doesn't matter which I get
tetanus from your well you're confident. That's one thing but sassburger, there's a there's a fear that you could be mean. So that's what people are scared of that you're confident, but you might be means like whoo. I got to tread
lightly. I was Abby's funniest thing is like y'all to dress you wear military.
He Garb you dress like an agency like anti-semitic. I'm gonna be honest with those boots. You know, I just was like sure nickers our boots. Annie's dad. Did he love her? No, my dad loved me a lot. He just too much very mean. No not that much. I was filming the Sundance and it was me against Mike Lawrence was an old friend of mine.
We did Mike's together and stuff. And you and Dane Cook where the judge and I remember coming out and being so excited the Dane was there because I had a joke written by I went I went I went and I'm so I'm such a big fan. I'm so glad you're here. But I'm confused. If you're here who's at the Improv getting bumped by Chris D'Elia and he just went he went away. I didn't expect you so soon ago. He went he went like that was funny and then he liked me afterwards and I was scared because I was like it.
He gonna like tell me how my jokes suck now, but he was cool. But then he said something else where he said to someone, you know, you're really you're really good. You're going to be very successful and I was like, yeah, but just don't don't take Financial advice from Dane Cook. I don't hire his business manager
his story that he told in your mom's house of how his brother stole his money is terrifying terrifying.
Well, you said to me I was saying I was like I'm when I'm rich I'm gonna get a chef and you were like keep your circle small and you know, you don't want to fucking
Chef you don't even want an assistant. Yeah. Yeah when you when
Having a system. That means you do too much shit do I
should go point? And by the time you tell someone to do something something you could have just done it yourself,
but you can get lucky. I have friends who do have had assistance that wind up being their best friends and it's great. They're just a cool person. They met that need a job. But I also have friends that got sued by their assistant and David Spade got tasered
and you can almost Murder
House murdered by his assistants
assistant. Try to kill them David Spade on his bedroom door fuckin latch like a like a medieval wooden lath and the fuck
That part is it's from its from the outside. So when you going to be girl
and he's a small man so that the fear of that must have been
terrifying and his I think the assistant he told a story he had taken like overdosed on Tylenol PM or something and if you take enough of that your body goes into shock and you produce crazy adrenaline and has the opposite of a soporific effect or something real something.
Like hopped up and nuts and I think David had a gun under his bed and the guy took the gun out. I mean, why aha, if you be careful you give the keys your house so I was gonna say be careful. If you try to Rob David Spade, he's got a gun under his bed. Make sure
if you do just come in slowly sneak under the bed. It
is a water gun for his comedy fast. But but also its any assistant that wants to be a celebrity assistant wants what you have. Hmm, maybe
right or maybe you just think it's a good job. Yeah. It's generalizations are our business or yeah, they're fun.
But you can have a nice assistant. You can have a nice secretary. You could have good people you work with like there's a lot of people that are comedy teams and it works out great. Look at Matt Stone and Trey Parker those those fucking guys have been yeah banging it out and making awesome shit forever.
It would have been banging like they're not they're not home.
But you know, it's like there's generalizations. We always like to talk about comedy marriages. They don't work out but sometimes they work out.
Yeah Rich Boston Bonnie
McFarlane Rich Vos bottom McFarlane my God
Natasha Moshe that will they work? Yeah, Tom and Christina,
there's about excited to see these kids happens to
be funny though be
funny. Yeah, they're going to be hilarious. Well, you have to be rich and Bonnie's daughter. Just try think she turned 13 Raina. She is the fucking funny. Sometimes she does their show with them. I've known as a kid. I'm so you think I'm scary. I'm like your daughters like a cunt and the good way like she's so funny. She's so cutting she's but I see her and I'm like you got to be on your toes because she's the funniest sharp as she's funnier than both of them on imagine
growing up in that house.
House, oh my God. I'm
rich process. One of my favorite jokes that were probably not allowed to tell anymore. He had this joke is just my fucking kill me he go on I don't mind fucking a girl on her period I just pretend like I'm killing her Jesus Christ one of my favorites. Oh my
God, that's a perfect example, like the reason why we're laughing excuse. He doesn't really mean that yeah, that's the problem with writing something like that down in quotes you go These Guys, these fucking assholes are laughing at this like only because it's not real but
also the same people that
Complaining about are the people that watch like True Crime shh and has literally masturbating and a falling asleep. You like a to a like beautiful tale of murder. I see they watch CSI they watch SVU all these things, isn't
it? Weird? How many of those shows there are tons people love in the ones the really dumb ones like the CSI ones that are so clunky like at the end. No disrespect but you know what I'm saying? Like they had the kind of have to be there. They're wrapping up a show in an hour at the end of it. They're always it's always like and they catch the bad guy. Yeah anytime you like now.
Now I can sleep. Yeah, isn't
that what was in that book irresistible that you were just posting about our brains are wired to need completion when we have to get to the end of something even if you're watching a shitty movie if someone turns it off you have to know how to end yeah Jing with this movie. No my
Country for Old Men was disappointing for a lot of people because the and be like hey, that guy is okay. He gets away. Yeah, fuck that's a wild movie. It's a wild move.
I re-watched a lot of classic movies over the last six months because we haven't been able to do anything and I
That shit that shit is in six out of here. The weirdest part of the haircut is the craziest part of this amazing. Yeah. It's a disaster. He is disturbing
looking. That dude is so good.
Wait, is that what I look like right now? Where does your eyebags and that's me in 10 years when I go full Joan Rivers. What is his name? Again? Javier
Bardem when I go full John River like one time I was at the Brea Improv high as fuck like way too high and I was sitting there just breathing heavy.
He and Joan Rivers show came on the television and when you see someone with those fillers in their face and the ratios all off. Yeah, because it's like and in their faces and moving. I was horrified. I was sitting there just barbecued watching the screen going. Oh my God, this is
crazy. I have a theory about plastic surgery. If you're going to like trim some off the nose. You have to put it on your chin or something. You have a certain amount of face meat and has to stay on your
face. No, you're right. There's a there's actually put it back golden ratio. Right right the Fibonacci sequence.
It's actually applies to your face. That's why when someone gets a nose job and you like your nose looks good, but it doesn't look like it's your nose. Yeah, what was happening
nature knows what it's doing. There's a certain Arrangement. It's like whack-a-mole. If you mess one thing up, you're gonna have to move everything else, but I was reading something about body dysmorphia about how we've gotten so dysmorphic about what we look like because we're always looking at ourselves on screens and in photos, which is the reverse of how other people see us and they say that if you were to see yourself out in the world, you wouldn't be able to recognize yourself. That's how dysmorphic we are.
That's ridiculous.
Because this video is of you. Yeah stupid. Where were selling
the twin brother would go right there the fuck are you talking about? That's me, Miss. I
know my tattoos looks like that's what my dad looks like.
But like we're just so dysmorphic. We about Louise on ourselves. Okay,
say ridiculous shit sometimes and it kind of sort of makes sense, but it doesn't like I remember reading once that the Native Americans when they first saw like Columbus and the people in the boats coming they couldn't do them. They couldn't see them because they didn't know what that was my get the fuck out of here
figured it out. They could look at
How do you like then? Explain UFOs, right? How do people see UFOs expired? I knew this would happen if you've seen a new
store. I mean the aliens I had a feeling it didn't take as long as I thought it would actually we had a bet with me. You owe me $10,000. There's no way
they didn't see the boats. That's a dumb thing people like, oh, wow, they didn't see
the both of you know, what they say boats. They saw things that look like this thing. They're going to find out is called boat, but coming toward me
500 years ago by the fuck. Do you know what they say?
I think the more fascinating thing about what you're saying is the fact that people are so willing to believe it which is why we're in the situation. We're in people want to believe crazy shits when you see fake news when you see you're like, yeah that happened like you want to believe something ridiculous,
but it's also people say things like that like they couldn't see the boat so that you pay attention to what they're writing like, oh this guy what he's saying crazy shit. Yeah, then you go and pay like that's why people say crazy shit. There's a lot of people that are look when a
lot of our friend told ya
I mean that's
that's really nice. It's addictive they know you get that adrenaline hit. I'm just like they wanted me to know I'm a fat cunt. She's gotta know. She's a fat cock, huh? I'm a busted cunt has anything ever hurt your feelings in the comments if I'm on my period I'm filled with rage and then I go. Oh shit, I go into the red week guys. You're gonna get your period. That's good news the red. Oh my God, honey. You just made yourself elderly for no reason why the same age budge, you're just more successful than me. That's why I was like what?
A major just way more successful than me. Like I think of you as being like 20 and I think of me as being like
71. Well, she had a like a blackout segment of her life that like doesn't count. Yeah, right. It counts towards you being funny but doesn't count towards like
lifetime five years younger than I am because I just didn't have those years. Yeah, but there is what it you know, luckily to drive us just drinking. Oh got it. Got it. Got it, you know just with enough Yeager. You can really didn't with you drunk before but never had I quit drinking right before I started Samurai.
My first open my I bet you're a mate pleasure. Maybe I was fun. They called me fun girl Annie, which I just really was an insult now. Oh, I was like, that's right. Like you're fun. Did it like destroy your life? Yeah, I would definitely be dead now. I think if I didn't stop drinking and what did you drink Jager? I was I loved Yeager. I liked whiskey I liked anything that was like kind of like I would be either being a frat or like with a grandfather like it was like very
is it harder for clean come?
Mike's when you're I mean clean meaning not sober. What
do you do
when you go to a bar? Like if you're at the comedy store and everyone's
drinking for me not one minute not for one second and it's funny. Sometimes people will be like is it weird? I'm drinking and I'm like you think I would relapse with you. I know but what if I realize I'm gonna throw a party we're going to an island. It'll be fun. I've never understood how people can drink so much on stage when I see Stanhope up there with a fucking thing of
I just wouldn't
just I'm also time Stanhope drinks Bud Light though. Oh nice. Oh, it's like a light beer and he drinks it all day. Yeah, like
that's like I just want to get fat. He's like, I'm not trying to get drunk. I'm trying to get
obese. Well guys likes to keep like a mild Buzz all the time. I never wanted my buzz. It's not a bad way to go like Chappelle does that too if you notice Chappelle will keep a mild buzz and there's something about mild Buzz is that really accentuate? Who gives a fuck comedy? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. I don't give a fuck
mild Buzz though is like
Like so unattractive but I want to be I was like, let's take a look a smoke break from my so I was like, let's black the like by bitch. I had no interest in being like just a little like maybe I never drink wine until the pandemic fucking bored and like trying shit out. I was like, what's my personality on this and this and I was like trying to find the best version of my personality and it turns out it's Rose a Seltzer wine coolers. It's a white cloth on roofies. So I was doing it definitely ketamine by the way her name
Date-raping herself guys, just been putting herself in a k holes and then get ahead in that home. Okay and masturbate not the ketamine
is like
prescribed. It's prescribed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a nasal spray. It's right here. It's in my purse somewhere. Yeah, what's so funny about it is it's a nasal spray, but when I was going to Raves and doing it, we also nasally injected. I mean, they're literally just this is a pretty Trace amount. It's not a lot and I only do it like a couple times a
week a couple times a week,
but let's do it.
Did it really go through? So if I push it through and
then he made you stop for a
second. Yeah, we I hit a nerve the first time that I had a back out and do it again. I didn't want to do it one frog live.
Yeah frogs fine. He said the frog out
he threw it up in my
hand. Do you know that there's a book called eat that frog that's like about getting your work done in the morning. It's funny literally eat that frog.
Oh like eat it. Just like get it
over we get the worst part done.
Anyway, I've swallowed way. We were just saying something to be honest. It would be a lot honestly not even a
sharp ice pick.
This is did it make a sound at
all. No just was like puncturing a
steak and it wasn't you picked the spot things. That kind of
pointed me towards his arm, like what area is a better place to go through but it was bleeding. I mean, do you think it would taste like elk I'll make so I think people taste like pigs
hmm. That's exact changes everything
cannibals call people long pigs. That's literally
Nickname. Did you notice that Blaine whenever he would have you do something? He would first like doubt himself. It's almost like a power of suggestion thing where he'd be like no. No, it might be fake test it out. It might be fake. Remember the Frog might not be a real frog or yeah, the this might be weighted
see right there. That's where I'm going through his arm.
That's his hand. That's his hand. He's like pushing on the skin the darkest you sure ever seen in my life. Wait, do you get stand? He's got a lot of money.
There's something psychological. He's a very poor. They're very rich of you. Can it looks your face. Is there something psychological about him doing that? Like touch it? Maybe it's fake make sure it's not
fake. Um, yeah, I'm sure does that with cards and I'm sure I don't know anything about magic, but I would imagine anything you.
Due to overload the brain like if your distract yeah, if you're sparring with someone or fighting one of the things you're doing is you're trying to overload their brain. So you're moving you do things you faint you fake like you're going to punch then you kick them this but you're doing is you're fucking with their heads. You give them too many things to think about he's kind of doing that too. Yeah, but check the cards out and he says things and he kind of doubts himself and ask you if you're sure there's so many techniques involved but he is a master Amazing him doing that shit too he had
So he did a card trick with one guy holding one of his wrists and another guy holding another risk, like he couldn't do anything his sleeves rolled up and he did a card trick for us. So
cool. Someone I know you're not supposed to say how magic happens but I don't think that this counts as like but there was this guy that I knew that differ during got in trouble again. It's gonna be so fucking mad at me magicians coming for me. Sometimes they carve holes into their hands like flaps of skin and that's where they put the coins.
I need like they actually have to yeah, they carve like little divots in their hands and that's how they hold the coins have a fucking you Carla to give it in your skin and then you let it heal. Yeah, there's scar tissue and that's how they're able to hold the coins what crazy shit. I don't mind really is there really no way to find out how magicians do their tricks?
Well, you'd have to become a magician. You have to yeah, they let you in you gotta get in the club. It's amazing blame was telling me that he has a friend that's a card guy that will literally be playing with his cards 13 hours every day every time he's on the phone with them years.
Yes, that's what I'm saying to him. I like the way you move your hands. It's similar to martial arts. Because we would someone's really good at a martial arts move. They have it just the pathways just greased and slicked in their their neurons and when they do it just just goes and that was kind of him with his hands. I was watching them move the cars around like what hello, like someone who plays guitar really good what you said about it or piano? Yeah fascinating if you
send Kyle's Kyle donegan's joke about where he's like, I'm not good at Magic but I'm good magician hands and he like
I think the time
canceller if you have seen this new thing to do, oh my God, he goes back in time to
cancel people from the past so guy.
Yeah, he says a tweet. He says like a mildly racist tweet. Like is it just me or does Indian food smell funny throw himself into a wood chipper and so a team of incredibly diverse women scientists rebuild him and they put him back together again, like the Six Million Dollar Man have the wood chipper and then they turn him into a much more wolf version of himself.
That time cancer so he's part machine and he goes back in time. Oh my God, that's so funny. It's fucking hilarious. It's so
funny. Dude. I miss everyone. I don't know. It sucks. I really it's weird to think that we saw each other every night. I know every night for
15 years and just talking shit having fun and boom. It stops.
So weird. It's a family being broken
absolutely should have stopped. I really don't I don't you know, I think people should be able to make their own decisions.
Well, I think there's ways to do what we could do.
Weird social distance things, you know where it's it could either be outside or it could be, you know, people are far back and spread out makes no sense that people are allowed to go outside have socially distance meals. But as soon as someone stands up with a microphone and starts talking it is a spitty job though. I was watching you when they change the lights in the main room right before everything shut down and the lights were dark. I was watching you from the side. I've never seen so much spit. I was like sprinklers kids.
Droplet after droplet I control Gallagher. Holy shit. And then and I was thinking that and then I went oh my god when cutting out we really do deserve. I meant think we might deserve this over in spreading in Hikes. And then I thought you made out with you and Dylan pretty much like
I've gotten the flu a couple of times from people's microphones one time. I did a gig with Tommy and Tommy was sick as fuck. We're in San Francisco and we all got the flu because we shared a microphone together Davidson. No Segura.
Bring your microphone with me on the road like a year ago because I kept getting fucking bronchitis from the bronchi. That's good for your own. My guest has a good idea and I was like my opener everyone thought I was such an asshole being a diva but I was just like dude, I can't get sick. I did like 40 cities before I shot a special and it was so worth. I think that II do think there's a lot of things that are happening in this that could carry over like I know you think I'm a sucker for pussies or whatever but I like that it's like a master pussies. There was a bar clip that went viral he trying to talk him into talking shit the funniest it was very funny. I like
even
though I'm a bandana.
I want to get a cool one. I'm trying to think. Oh, I'm wait. Can I show you the mass that I'm making I was trying to do a lot of would not approve of these. I was try thinking about doing a joke. Remember when all the prisoners were released that you
can they buy it. I'm well go to my website. I'm gonna
launch them again watching this
week. You gotta do it immediately. Otherwise people going to
jump those punches launching it today when I leave I
was the problem is when the
Goes up these fucks. They'll start putting it up before you
well. I'm launching it today. That's the Annie Lederman thing. If anyone does it Joe Rogan's gonna fucking sue you million dollars
suing your ass. There are so many people selling bootleg shit online right now. Isn't that funny though? They look everything fake pure everything that shit bootleg shirts are there's a lot of my shirts that are bootleg all out of like mugs and stuff that are bootleg all these different things that have nothing to do with me with my face on
it. Yeah. This is sponsored by The Joe Rogan podcast.
Science that's a Yeti Tumblr
Yeti Tumblr. Yes, it's legit. It's
very legit. Everything's Yeti involved with you. I ra time I'm at The Comedy Store in we're talking it somehow turns into you fighting bears. I swear every conversation. We could be talking about fucking anything and then it's like three minutes and once you walk in I'm like and we're fighting bears again. I have a real problem. We gonna get you a bear.
No, I don't want to have anything to do it Bears. I'm scared of
nature really know for sure. That's why you kill
it. What no,
To run with the taser ironical taser
now I carry a big knife I have
please don't harm with a knife. I've seen you play basketball. I have a little taser
it's this is not a bad idea. But I don't know if I can work on jumbles.
I carry paper weights that fit on your knuckles carry the little teaser really
good thing with me. I put up my favorite times yourself. Now, it feels like I want to do
it should we have got to get more views that David played
that be what if it just turns up that's her Achilles heel.
Falls over my she had so much
promise. I've been having that week. So that was a good week to die to drink Jager. This is gonna be
fucking nothing. So that's your thing. So when I like a mountain lion comes after you just fucking knuckle punch him with that thing
just to protect her dogs from you. Like they look like they're big hammer in my car first. Hey, hold on bear. Can you just hold on any to heat up my Taser? Just talking about Bear Grylls?
Talking about large overweight gay
men. Maybe you didn't did you
just touch that? Oh my God, that's not really
that it wasn't working. It wasn't that bad. It's really not that bad. It's not that dog collar, but I also agree that it's not that bad but it's got I touch one little one and it's a lot of them and you'd
most likely if a mountain lion even if you have a knife a mountain lion gets you you're fucked. They're just too
strong. Yeah, and they'll go straight for
fast Fighting Chance. You want to just be able to sink something into their
neck. I watched the
isn't every day. I go Covenant is that what was called the right track? I gotta go tase me quickly
based on a real story. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little fucked up. I think they switched a lot of shit around change things, but it's kind of based on a real story. That scene was
so brutal. There were there were Alder. I mean that that that that was the only movie I'd like take breaks from Allah. I was watching it like what they want his kid was dying and he couldn't get up and save his kid that just like destroyed me. You are so mean
It's so much nicer when Joey fell I always tell this story Joey fell and hurt his knee at The Comedy Store one night. What and Whitney was with him. He was he ended up being all right, but he just he just trapped or whatever. We're not going to say who comedy Story I mean, but he was like sitting on a on a rolling chair and Whitney was like and I went I rushed over and Whitney. Are you? Okay? I was destroyed no, Joey walked into the kitchen, you know in right when you walk in. This grace is slipping. So his greasy from the airfryer something. I know what it is. It's so oily
Oily right
there Joe how many fucking orders of fries come flying through that? I mean, that's all anybody buys is fries and chicken wings. It's all that oil. It's like a thick
smegma on the ground. You can reseal it. You always catch me eating the worst food. I'm always like shoving my face and then Rogan walks in and I'm like throwing those like pretzels the nuts. I'm just everything I'm eating nuts are good. Joey's in front of me and we're going through the side right Joe is in front of me. I just see him go down and my brain just went Joey had a heart attack.
Joey had a fucking heart attack. He goes down his legs behind him. It was some crazy shit where he did like a split and we couldn't figure out what even happened and he taught and he tore something of yours ankle or something like that not as a CL but something was bad third walk. He couldn't get up and if you are having a stroke or heart attack, you don't know you're having it. So I he kept saying I fell on my knee I fell on my knee and I was just so worried that he
remember Jay Leno was telling us that story about Rodney. Oh, yeah, so he's hosting the Tonight Show Ronnie.
Does a set and he's like something's off. He's like the cold call the paramedics. There's a red diamond is rhyming was off and he was joking around kind of but he also knew that something really was wrong. So they call the paramedics they check Ronnie. He did have a fucking stroke. So he had a stroke while he was out there doing stand-up which is crazy. It's been
seeing someone die on stage doing stand-up really hard. Yeah, two people have there was a British guy. I don't know his name who had a heart attack on stage. And then there was years ago Jim Norton it posted a clip of it. There's a clip of it was a alive kind of variety show and the
Guy can't remember his name. I wish I remembered it. But he he was he was doing a bit in front of a curtain and live television and he passes out and falls out and they're all laughing thinking part of the bit and then you see them drag him out, but it's kind of a good way to get this guy Jesus. Where was this? All right there. Oh my god.
Oh, that's how I really died
of a heart attack. Yeah. I think he died of a heart attack in a fucked-up. You don't grab your heart while we do this.
Their hearts did I always this is what I always think I was telling me about this when you were like flexing your pecs or something in the kitchen of The Comedy Store and I was like, I want to try it will put your tits away. It's so it is so funny because people want to like go female Comics male Comics like I feel like we're so wouldn't we're together. We're so weirdly genderless like we're like brother and sister.
Yeah, we're talking about the other night. It's a real meritocracy.
If you're funny you're one of the clan and that's really all it is. Right. I get that It's upsetting for people on the outside. I had it's your Club. That's not a friend of mine who is a philosopher very smart guy try to explain it to me and he just completely independent of this. He's like you guys have to understand that you are little and he's not a comic at always like this little group of people that are Walled Garden. So there's a lot of people on the outside of it that see you guys having so much fun and doing all these things together and having each other and each other's podcast and there's just an automatic feeling.
In human nature the feel like you're alienated from that group. So that group somehow or another disrespects you that group is negative or bad or mean or this or that and then it compounds right, you know, and then it becomes whatever find whatever the group is, whatever your identity politics is if it's all right wing thing or a girl throwing or a gay thing boy thing
Sports. Yeah, whatever it is. I'm thinking
find they find the thing that makes you different from them and you negative and then positive and Europe suppressor or you're a bad
person. It's outward. It's the outward locus of control, right? So it's like I'm saying that my
His where I don't want to be because you made me feel this way or you denturist. Yeah, it's not like because if you think about anyone complaining about their place in comedy, it's like that's time to write jokes. Like yeah, you're focusing on why you don't have a thing has none of it. Not you have no clue at any one story is you don't know if it was easy or hard for them. You have note but it is a hard job. It's not a comfortable job. Some
of the people complaining have had special. Yep. So you've had a
chance. Yeah you got on Comedy Central you got on
Netflix you got somewhere and people didn't respond. Yeah, that's not
because The Comedy Store is filled with assholes. Yeah, right. That's not what that
is. It. It's a fucking hard thing comedy is a hard thing. It's hard and honestly the heart of the hallways are the easier. It is on stage. So I was always so grateful when people it's morphed it's fun stage laughing some shit so much.
It's not 11 purse.
It's gonna small garbage bag in front of them.
He's a liar. He's the greatest Comics who ever lived. That's what I love about Comics. It's like no matter how great if you're a real fucking comedy starring comic you're still just like who you are forever forever. If you stay with your
tribe. Yeah, we're lucky as fuck. You know, we're really really really lucky and it's weird now, you know like that night when we're all hanging out doing the comic store documentary was so much fun. But it also was bittersweet because I left
I was driving Halls real
emotional and just do you remember I kept gripping. You're going don't go I was like so you're not a conversation. I forgot. I wasn't a chaol overdose in a fucking cage and there's a lot of like it's like I'm a cloud bitch Whitney Cummings. I'm actually the pervious
person in comedy. Listen. That was the only time in this whole covid period that I thought maybe I shouldn't go yeah one time hanging out with you guys.
It was like but I'm still going but damn it. I think it does thinking like this is so rare like how many grown adults like once you get to a certain age? Like you're in your 30s, you're with your friends like you don't have that kind of a life. Yeah, we can go and be with your peers just so and the sign is so unusual because like people that go on the road. Okay, if you go on the road all the time, it's just you and the people you go on the road with you don't get to converge at a home base. And that's what the stores that's what's so different because like you'll be one plays you'll
Be someplace. I'll be then we see each other on Tuesday like that.
Yeah, like no time had passed and also there I'm there guys, by the way, I'm there the whole time and there's I'm working in the kitchen. This is chicken wings. There's so many so crazy about this moment cause it's also like I've never felt more loved and accepted than I had in a comedy store. I wore I never felt like myself. I never felt accepted. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. I didn't know who I was. You know, we're do you feel that comfortable? We hate you.
Oh my god. Daddy daddy.
With me, you liked me for the longest
time. Oh, we should finish that. Oh, yeah, we should very sad story. Yeah,
so I do the the rose petal Whitney's one of the judges and Whitney was like already pissed about something well because everyone was attacking my shiny as face and saying that I had plastic surgery coming out but I do I am launching a line of face oils. That's so funny. Is that the perfect thing so my shiny face ideas fucking face, it's KY Jelly. But yeah, you can also fuck. Yeah.
My nose hole so she okay. So Whitney was like she was like giving my her assessment of my set or whatever and she's like she goes she's I just feel like you need to smile more and I was like, I like smile more I was like, what is this the streets like I was like and I was like in a hyper like fight mode and I was like smile more. I was just like
whoa streets Albuquerque
came out suburbs of Philly first, but so and then but Whitney you texted me like the next day early.
Hey, it's Whitney Cummings. I'm sorry if I offended you or whatever. Like I was like at the mall is like with me. I was like, can I take a break? I was a working at Hot Topic and I was like a famous person sex to me. No, but you texted me and I was like so sweet. I was like, please don't cancel me. Please. Don't talk to a reporter. No, but it was very nice. And then and then I like I just had to do back and was like, yeah, just whatever out and I went when we were when we were you were judging I went when Whitney I was molested on some on your like we were all molested.
That I was like silencing her because she was like sorry Whitney. I molested when we were talking in the back at the we were in The Green Room and in the main room and you go we're talking about rape or something and you go and you go you go you go. I'm sorry. I'm not listen to anything you're saying it's my time to think about whether my face is shining like, you know the answer bitch and then you text me the next are you calling her? Like I'm so sorry were you talking about?
Wraith and I start to cut my face like you you come to a complete circle. You always handle you're always working whatever stuff that is. No problems there, but I accidentally I was like looking at the thing you texted me and I said something I actually sent a voice memo to you talking shit on another female comedian like thrashing a female comedian and it sent the voice like my finger hit and I was
He's so embarrassed because it just sent it to me talking shit on another but you wouldn't have thought it was about you. I said her name and everything, but it was just like so crazy that I was then voice memo and you being like this fucking bitch and then I was voice
memos are odd because it's like I don't have voice mail. Like if you call me voicemail just goes to fuck you just like go to The Ether Jeff voice voice voice
memos.
Does voice memos that people send their odd because you have to listen and say if you send me a text I can go 8:30. Got it. Well see
hate always does the voice because he doesn't want to put his readers on. Yeah. Well, it's also when you send someone a voice memo and then you see that they kept it. You're like why the fuck do you keep
that? Oh, you can tell if someone hears it says capture saying
that like the cutest use what listen
experiment what kind of mission impossible that it disappear. I liked it to go away. That's fine dot dot dot
I think it's more Bond trauma has a know when you go I feel like our text chains like comedians text chains if they ever get out, we're all gonna get cancelled,
but we should all delete these. Yeah, there was one where we got so ridiculous
famous. I'm like you guys we can't text Joe certain shit. I feel I think he's gotten overly famous the point where we can again. Yeah. Yes.
Our times are all like want to send something. I'm like, I don't know Joe's on this chain. Like I feel like he's just too famous
for this. I feel like see the shit Segura sends me Jesus Christ, so he'll get I played it yesterday for Nikki Glaser. It's this girl fisting herself. But in the most Preposterous way where you like what
well, is there a way that's not
provide? No. No, this this is this is a different ice
fisting real. Oh, I'll show you can put your entire. You know what it is. It's this that I read. I think it's putting all your fingers together. It's not like a let's talk on Jamie.
You've been festo. Tell us
here you go Sagar reactions for this
video. Wait, hold on. Hold on your face. Hold on. Hold on. Oh my God, it's me.
Preposterous is the right word.
Right? Well, it's gonna hurt. Why are you punching - should I
don't think it is
but a bruise that cervix
That's fucked up like that. Tom Segura will send it looks like the
opposite of having a baby. I know you can cover the most fucked-up shit. I'm like I'm so going to jail for
this but you know, I think that's legal. I'm pretty sure that's
illegal. No, it's not you don't actually we have to be very clear. You don't actually get things that could send it out. No, but he was saving
Florida has some wacky laws with that stuff. That's why they prosecuted certain like pornographers because they decided that it was you know, that's where they prosecuted the 2 Live Crew like it's flowing.
At Broward County Florida, like they go after people what is there was one guy was a really famous case and it really opened up. A lot of people's eyes in terms of pornography. There was this guy who is like known to be like Ultra disgusting like the stuff that he did was like super abusive and like he would open up girls assholes like with a speculum and then piss inside of them like
crazy Khan is not look good feel good if I'm angry
because of how much beer you had rocks hardcore. Yeah, so that guy so
He was found guilty on 20 counts of obscenity by Tampa Florida jury, and so they just they decide what's obscene and what's not obscene. It's like they can make a distinction between regular pornography and what they decide is obscenity and violates the law so they put him in fucking jail Jesus. I'm like just so I don't know if there was you see that's the thing. It's like if you're doing that kind of shit, like are you making people sign releases? Do they know that you're going to do that? Cuz I
can arrest
that's punching her fists and nobody to get out of jail. She could slide through she could like slide through the she would kill it in jazz
very flexible be fine, but you have to think like if you but then the other perspective is okay. What if this is your 18 year old daughter gets off the Greyhound bus and meets this guy, right and she has no idea what she's about to do and she thinks she's gonna do just like a sex movie and this guy's pissing in her eyeballs and and punched her in the face. Like there's all kinds of what I don't know if he punched her but you know that with the piece
Hips are going to be do you think the pth were real I just took care of you ever had a guy try to pee on you know, but I had I had like one guy that I was like it was like the guy that we weren't we were just going to like do the things that we'd never done and we just end up not liking each other. So we design again, but I was like, I would let you pee on do the things you never done what like kiss on the mouth. Yeah. He said I love you and tell the truth.
And I started dying
laughing you guys in the bathroom or in the
best in the shower. Okay, that's funny get on my face. It was like supposed to be sexual was exposed to be sexual and I within the sheen from your face and I slept
That Base soon as it started I could not stop
laughing and Russell meticulous ruin the moment you made the moment that's the only thing good about that moment when you laughing at him there's no
ruining that that's what she's pissing in your face so funny just the fact that he wants to do it like the best way out is you making fun of it and I can't tell if guys are doing because they've seen it in porn other actually into it. I don't know I it's got to be like a pheromone thing or something. So why did I wanna pee on us? Don't they want us to people coming in the face guys really wanted to I think it's like a humiliation thing. They wanted to grade.
You I think they want you to like it interesting want you to want them to do like you're so over-the-top crazy sexual that you like think that's why it exists in porn. I did the humiliation thing maybe sometimes I'm sometimes but I think not always I don't think it's just that I think it's like, oh, wow,
I don't hate it. But then like once it happens. You're like, this is like here's my thing. If you're gonna come on my face, you better not miss. You better don't wash my hair embarrassed yourself at I don't want to have to
And weaved again. I liked you better head like a dog with a treat. Come on Marshall all of a sudden it just wear what it's like not enough and it's disappointing and I have to pretend like it's more weight. Definitely do definitely judges and have their dogs catch it. That's it. Now. That's right. That is great. Just I just thought somebody know it's got it for sure.
Somebody may think it's kind of big isn't it? Funny that like this the amount of load is
important. Well, I used to the same person that told me you can't recognize yourself on the street.
It's David Blaine, by the way, it wasn't magic trick. No, but I used to hear these women. There was like a show on VH1 these like rock stars wives who would always make their husbands who were like touring on the road come outside of them when they first came home to make sure they weren't cheating because they thought they'd
have wanted to see how much how much
they had. But that's how it works. That's science hilarious if you want to see how much
And a bottle of the like how dark it is. Those are look he's
delusional. You don't need if you really need that. They well you shouldn't beat ourselves. I'm sure you have some sort of but I mean there's jerking off when it's a compulsion and you need Lubes and you need to stick a vibrator up your ass and there's jerking off because you're actually
horny right know about this vibrant up the ass thing. Well, you don't go Ava Taser Taser because you know, they do
that to mules.
Ali what yeah, when they when they want to extract sperm from them they actually stick a cattle prod up there asshole and they just shoot. Oh my gosh, I know that because of that students job. That's someone's job. No because if you're fact we made people drink
Donkey Kong. Did you ever drink the bad stuff you ever taste
it? I didn't drink that but I ate a bunch of things. I eat a cockroach up Madagascar giant hissing cockroach. I ate and I stopped in her mouth. Oh destroyed is just was all chewy.
Got it all nobody didn't taste bad. It's just a good Ally It's a mind. Fuck. Yeah, it's a mind fuck. It's not it doesn't taste bad. It's almost like taste less
the leg. No big deal legs are what get me some but it's basically a
lobster like a lobster is a bug. Yeah. It's not much different, right? It really isn't. It's all just in your head
psychological because we think of cockroaches. I cooked a lobster the other day. I felt so bad. I was like holding it. I was trying to get picture and I dropped it and then when I picked it up, it was foaming and like shitting and pissing.
Is it was murdered it? This is our
Fear Factor got canceled. They had to drink either they had play horseshoes and either they drunk giant glass of donkey come or a dyke glass of donkey piss. It's interesting like all the men want to drink the donkey piss. The girls wanted to drink the
come very nicely that it was easier because right
now I know but I thought it was stunning protein like these girls are drinking giant beer steins of come. I'm
gonna puke the
belly button rings are so funny.
I talked him into it. So I'm talking them through this doing it. This this is where this is what got the show canceled. This is between these two
points, but where the ratings
bananas? No, they never made it onto are because TMZ got a hold of this and TMZ posted like someone from the I told this is the only time there's two times where I told him don't do it. The people that were running the show one time was there bull riding and they were like, don't worry. It's done Bullseye go that bill does not know it's done. That's a fucking bull man. I saw the animal like that these
people got on and one of them was a girl who was like she was like 95 pounds and that fucking bull launched her through the air like she didn't exist like like a pillow
and it sucks that I'm mad at her for being 95 lbs and glad she got
hurt the heel of the bowl as he's kicking the the hoof barely missed her head. Geez are like this like wow, like within a foot of her head. Like if it kicked her in the head who the fuck knows what would have happened. So this is one where I told these people my do not fucking do this. It's
Is this the girl
you see that thing see how close I came to her head? She was really hurt her back upper
back knows bad. She didn't land. Well, she'll and a really bad but look at that hit her. I mean but Mr. It's the back of the ham is what slapped into her. Luckily. I don't think that her nearly as bad as the hood would have heard. I cracked my elf for falling off a horse just like that. That was just that was honestly her less having a rolling the dice. She was tough as fuck. She got out. She was okay then. Yeah. She's a tiny girl. You just
handled by you she's talking about
Just yeah, she's very pretty. I hope she's very svelte dude is Fear Factor was like the beginning of the internet. It was like, you know what I mean? Like it was such a it was the first time like it was the
It was like TV never could come back from it. Like well, we could compete with it after that except the Internet. It was
like was as far as they could take it and it will Channel too far. There was NBC that was where as far as they could take it donkey comp. I remember walking into the office going. What are you talking about? And they're going this what they're going to do. They could play horseshoes I go. Is there a way that they can get out of drinking it totally give likely to get a like if they land. What is it horseshoe when you get a shoe? What is it? Well the point I don't know. What is it when you hit the thing and of course you any idea that's goal. I'm like is he?
Possible if they get the if they Ring Around The Horseshoe if that
one that's not enough called Ring Around The Way sure it's on
2% Is it possible that they could drink nothing and they said no. Yeah Dad. You have to only drink we 8 ounces. So Mike this is
crazy. It is it's like a it's a bestiality rape situation where you're forcing them to swallow the sexual this was used on
that's all wild amount of come
wild. Isn't it funny that people keep getting cancelled for like doing blackface and shit, but the network signed off on it. You're like slide person's fault.
People have to sign off on that make it
happen. Like 200 people said Shaner if you're around a bunch of crazy fucks like the comics at the store and then one person says, I think you can do it you like we can do
it. Yeah. Yeah. We're not the fucking
people to be talking to you about that. Even then I was telling them not to do it. I was like don't do this. Listen to me when I'm the voice of reason we're fucked. Yeah, like this shows fucked. You can't have me telling you you're going too far and they're like that. I think you're wrong. I think this is fine.
I'd like to come.
They go to you this is all mental. It's all mental.
No, they didn't they were laughing anyone's here's oh, yeah afterwards. I saw so many people puke like a stunning amount of people
puke. Is it true that there's contagious puking where if you see one person puke you automatically
Pew. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I used to get it really Fear Factor cured me of it. Whoa. Yeah, when I was in highschool of a kid puked in the hallway, I just
woke up you can what is
that? It's because there's something wrong like maybe even bad food and you're with that person so
Maybe you ate that bad food too. And your body is like, well, you smell it. Let's just let's not take any risk. Let's just throw this shit up
survival Instinct was
actually explained to me by someone who knows what they said. That's exactly is like your body's trying to purge it because it's like oh this person is throwing up there could be a bad bug or a you know, I could have eaten some bad food and you just block you just want to throw up to
have you ever been thrown up on?
Yeah. Yeah people have hit me like hit my feet and should appear factor. I sought whole knows how many people
throw I puked on the whole cast of the real.
Road Rules challenge in Santa Fe once. I got so hammered. Remember these to do that that would like have all the old alumni come were you on that show? No, I was living in say I was a go-go dancer in Santa Fe and I thought stripping by the way. I loved the show so I couldn't believe all the people coming into town is like it's such a small towns. I was like, holy shit like we had a lot of slippers like Sam Shepard and like all these people but I was like fuck that. I want to hang out with the road Road Rules gun. So I was so excited, but I got the flu. So instead of not going out. I just
Chugged a quill and then I was drinking like white Russians because I wasn't 20, you know, so I puked like this milky-white Lauren all over them and it just happened to be a day that they weren't filming. Oh no, but how you people on them? I puked all over them. Like why was this not being found to go to my first TV crowd out - shit and then I was thinking about I was it was funny because later in that week I was at a bar and all the the people were there but the producers and stuff and the producers were like, so what's your story and I realized they were like this.
Crazy bitch has got to be on the real world. Look at her like this. She's good television. They're like we'll get this fucking guys are new Puck. Oh my God Puck is he dead? I failed. I feel like all the people died. There was like one guy had AIDS in the beginning first one may become
famous. Yeah, and then you just cast out into the world and even though
Talent first reality stars, too. I remember one time a friend of mine was at a restaurant in Charleston South Carolina and one of the famous girls from The Real World was a waitress.
Us at one of the restaurants and took a picture sent it to me and I was like, of course they didn't pay them anything. Yeah, they were famous and
broke. Well, I remember there was a place that Jon & Kate Plus 8 the John guy. He was working. I like a regular John Kasich. Yeah, people wouldn't leave them alone. Like, you know, I'm sure now he's okay, but I remember I was in Hawaii once with my family went to this ice cream place and they were like, Jon and Kate were just
here with you're working that's good.
This is back when it was a show like when it was on television and it's a weird kind of Fame. Yeah.
Because they were really famous and now they're not but was stopped when people you a
little but have it too I think is where ourselves on stage were not none of us are really that much of characters. I would say
but yeah,
but with the Impractical Jokers when I hang out with Sal from a practical people come up and they think they know him because of his person they they'll be like sound like deck him. I'm like, yeah, that's Christ were just at the movies like chill. Oh, no, that's I mean, that's how Houdini died, right? Yeah. But yeah, I get that a lot too when I was doing the rose for sure.
People come up to me like hey Kant and I'm like Jesus as far as like 2:30 in the air
puff panicked when I met famous people and put my foot in my mouth and seem like a
moron. Wait. Did I tell you what I did after I did your show we talked about Survivor and I ran into Jeff Probst. It's a ride with my favorite show. So weird. I'm on your show. I will tell the millions of people to keep watching Survivor. It's number should do a show called sexual assault Survivor sexual pain trauma bonding awesome. I was molested but so no, but I ran.
And into him at a coffee bean and he's my guy. He's the person I forgot about and I know that's like nerdy but I
love the show so much of it was hilarious. That's where I met him. He'll I met him at Coffee
Bean. Oh, really? Yeah. I drive name-dropped you so fucking fast because I was being such a psycho that I needed him to know that I had some sort of stake in Hollywood. I'm like, I'm a college I write my name is on the wall. I just talked about John Joe Rogan's Pockets because I love Joe. He's like come on the show and I was like, I'm a psycho. I can't like I can't like oh and I was like,
What have you made a million dollars on so I can show my feet? Oh, that's
right that have to pick like no, I just have a bit where I don't show my feet and I just can't end it for never seen her Instagram. Yeah, do all of the people who did you mean? Oh my God,
even the picture that you took when she was on the show the first time I saluted her
foot up in the air.
That's me every girl that's ever lived.
It's not a snot face is how body it's not comedy.
It's the freaks online the really like dark in the basement free are the ones that are in the feet. And what's the
deal? What's the fetish someone was saying that was something about like because babies they crawl around and their mom their moms are Barefoot what I know of it, which I don't I mean, who knows but it is it's like the they guy was doing a phantom limb study and he said that when he was checking the brain that the neural Pathways that go from your brain to your
feet are next to the ones that go to your genitals. So he thinks that that would got mixed and some people oh interesting but it was something about see as a kid. You see your mom's feet so much when you're so tiny and you you guys really are sexualized your mom's. It's really weird. It's Freud. It's solely kind of exhausted by my dad other are
interesting thing about the book talking about Freud and the cocaine thing with Freud people back. Then when Freud was doing coke they didn't think that addiction was for intellectuals. They thought brilliant people can get indicted in little areas.
Like literally he thought he could take Coke with abandon and he'd be fine because that's a mental weakness. Yeah, and he would never have a mental weakness. You
know what I think about a lot though, all of you like becouse get all the people that are like brilliant you like looking back at they were so fucked up and I really struggle with that where I'm like Picasso it's kind of like a awful. I watched The Master Class of David Lynch and he was like I go outside I care if he goes, he's like I go outside when I write my best writing is done. When I do. I have a legal notepad I go outside I drink wine and I smoke cigarettes.
Let's and I was like so close to smoking cigarettes again. I got nicotine toothpicks because I was like, maybe I'll be brilliant like damn Angela. I smoke cigarettes, but it's like do we need that? I don't know I do I do. I do think there's a certain like ability to risk and be self-destructive. Like I'll smoke cigarettes. Sometimes know my God, fuck it like fuck you do need a fucking mentality to take risks on stage and to stay out till 2:00 in the morning and you know jeopardize yourself and your relationship. There's a
value in booze. There's a value in pot. There's value in mushrooms. Just
Those things but it's third and it's not necessarily the whole thing. Like I think people can write brilliant shit and be stone-cold sober. It just it's a focus thing like you can talk your mind in a psychedelic States. I mean, that's what Lee holotropic breathing and meditation
and I do breath work all the time. I do I've been treating this quarantine like because these are Mighty trail of years. No, it's my a pile of years. Like I should be in India fucking a sherpa. I should not be trapped in my house. So I do breath think
every day is there in the Himalayas? Oh my God, you always do
this.
We get it you really
want to save you from
Jeff Probst and Joe Rogan
probes wanted me on the show, but I'm not ready for it. Yes. Wait, let's do it to gonna do it together. I'm saying to you I'm doing you I was doing you like Jeff Probst want me on the
show. You shouldn't do it. Don't they have like couple Survivor or like friends?
Driver we could do together. You would do it together. We
are so annoying. Yeah, absolutely,
but that would still good. I
got more annoying but
I do think comedians. We do have a like grit like I do think we could win. Oh, yeah, my name is
it to fucking
psychos for sure. We do have like a certain level of grit and also exoskeleton. It's about manipulation. I mean, that's right shine about like being a pathological liar, but it's also about like, why don't you guys
are both listen?
Anybody who's a comic as got some damage when you're young and then you see vulnerabilities and people who see things to complain about like you would find their weakness. Yeah, two are both Predators. You would see where they're fucked up being like ha ha look at well. That's what you had to
do in a fucked-up home yet to learn how to put Kyle and manipulate and charm people and you know, I like how our trauma landed us a differently and you know, what by all means I'm like
what guy bullshit no bullshit. Seriously, you guys should 100% have a show together you guys would like, you know, there's like guys we
Act and call or daddy. There's all these couple goes. Yeah, you guys would dominate that shit. It's the two of you would fucking dominate that shit. The two of you together would have the number one podcast on planet Earth a hundred percent. So we
try to Eclipse Joe Rogan. Yeah, I
could do it you would get all the girls. Yeah of them all of them.
Don't even get on good guys
like badass chicks.
But you're not you even though you have been victims. You're not victims you talk honest your Comics. You'll need a
gorgeous tits are really incredible
Comics like you two together. Like that would be a fucking monster combination and I'll help
you. I'm busy. I'll help you guys. We also
hold it. I'll do whatever the fuck you want - I think you should
do it. We also by the way because I just started my podcast. You have your pocket of my pocket. Like I now have time for another one, right, you know.
Talk now that
I've done the pockets enough I serve in like I just come over the man from this. Yes, could we how we do it and we had some plan because here's the thing that I love
to figure out how to get somebody to watch you like
Hawks. Yeah. Yeah. Did you
guys have to keep the Navy SEAL guys on
staff? Don't bring another isn't I love Annie so much and our relationship so much is that I feel like I don't see people disagree anymore. No one will tolerate anyone that disagrees with them in any way right people. Just want to align with people at it. It's like a fucking Echo.
Chamber like circle jerk of like we agree. We agree. We're like Andy and I can disagree and fuck with each other and we still respect each other and love each other and have different points of view and I
just thought which was why would Willie nayara and I disagree about 80% of the depends on Earth.
You can't be
challenged. It will not only that like your ideas and ideas not
first of all, it's just an idea. It's not even yours. It's just an idea. Yeah, and if someone doesn't agree with it, why is it personal but it is it is for most of us most of the time it's taking me forever to try to beat that down. I haven't I don't have it
totally beaten down but I have
it to the point where I recognize. Oh, I'm attached this. Let's just look at it for what it is. It's not me. I'm not this idea. But so many people died in this is what we're seeing with politics in the
The biggest way possible. It's insane. It's this is not just the Democratic party is you like you have to win? Yeah. I mean, it's not just these ideas. It's not just a an election
people fighting over the masks to they politicize that they've made it like this part of their identity their like watching
three masks on their Avatar. Fuck.
Yeah. Yeah. Also I get annoyed when I cuz I'll do live streams and stuff for my car. Not one. I'm driving but I'll have my mask on everybody why I'm like, I don't The Mask means so little to me.
I mean so much to other people. I mean so I don't notice that it's on right. I didn't remember because your toes is really bad. It's
more flattened touches my face.
Yeah, because you got beat up. I'm sorry. I'm so cool and pretty nobody wants to punch me in the face. I want to do a joke that I couldn't do. I was going to maybe do it on a talk show, but about member in the prison inmates were being released. Yeah flick over covid. Yeah, and I want to do something about the like imagine the warden giving that speech.
Of like telling the prison inmates that they were about to be released and be like, hey guys couple things changed you now have to wear masks at all times cover your faces at all times and the police have been defunded gonna see a couple weeks. I know he's
the one guy who got released and then murdered the woman who accused him of rape. Yeah immediately released. I don't even know it's because you got a mask that's what he was going to do if he got out and I don't know if he raped her. I don't know what really happened, but he definitely murdered her.
Allegedly claiming
that it was a false accusation and he got out of jail and murder.
Terrifying they're releasing violent criminals. It's not just it's not just like people in jail for
for can I get to wear and they get to wear masks all day. I mean you look at these ring cameras you security cameras. I'm like what everyone's in a mask? So it's insane but I do I was thinking like with the Looting like we couldn't have like big no enough of it. Don't you recognize people and use either eyes. I see Force mass and I go it's weird how much I can recognize someone just yeah, so I was always like it would be so embarrassing to get caught loot like like walking with an Apple Watch and I like is that
Oh got caught Jake on a camera the mayor shut down that Tick-Tock house that when some partying did they don't shut it down. So like just
a weird thing to do. Look I'm not saying that they shouldn't tell these people they shouldn't have parties and spread it all over the place because they definitely are
It's spreading like dr. Malkin when the guys had treated us treated more than a hundred people that went to that party and I think somewhere in the neighborhood of almost half of them had covid Jesus because these people are going to these giant parties and they're sick people at the party and you're drinking and you're 20 and you don't know what the fuck you're doing Sharon. Yeah, he's 24 years old Hammer
like your family isn't exactly so Grandpa dies. Yeah, my dad 79. I want to see my dad. So badly is in Philly, but he doesn't want to see you though. No, but honestly like he's
He really is Whitney. It's so sad. Like he's like nope, and I was like no, but what if I can't I was like I'll drive out on Camp. I'll like I'll get tested before or whatever and he was like, he's like no he's like because he's just so he just doesn't want it. He doesn't want it and I'm so happy. He's like that, but I'm like, but Dad can I hang out with our podcast wouldn't be calling your daddy and me we called her daddy's they didn't pick up Dad. He's not answering. He didn't do a good job.
If you had a podcast called daddy didn't do a good
job. I love my job so much but it is he's like, he's like a truck today. My dad goes bring me up today. Go. Are you sure you want me to go so well, maybe not. I mean I uh, he's so I'm now I'm so grateful at all the mistakes my parents made because it's made me like I am equipped to in so many ways that so many of my friends that had right go childhoods aren't and I can just like sorts it out like adversity was so go from boring. What a comfortable life Lee met the most the most fucked-up people. I know have married parents. Yeah. All these fucked-up expectations are going through divorce.
She was bad when I was a kid there now. I was looking like this like now even though everything was fucked up and I possibly could have been sold into sex. You can't really close support. Yeah. I was very clear what you would go for that
hiding under the car. Holy shit. That's like one
of the good one. That's a baby one. You're just bragging. We like people would pay in high school my high school. Literally, they all fucked us like all the teachers. It just came out another teacher got caught with kiddie porn. It was a school with my graduate class was 17 kids. Like there were seven teacher like come on my job.
The teacher gave one of the students AIDS found that out later how you this lazy Bond trauma Bond. I
know you just trauma, but maybe that's you guys
call me dude. That's a
trauma bond
is pretty good. So I don't but I but with my parents I was think like they they're good now like why who cares about the past like they're so loving and sweet and awesome that it's like, okay look people make mistakes exactly the best they can with the tools. They had I don't have
much time.
Want to know what the fuck she was doing what she does a great
job for shots. There's no way you're gonna do a good job as a mere
21. It's just so hard. What's your dad's itch? I don't know my Dad. Yeah.
He didn't come out of the Woodworks when it was
like I had spoken to him since I was 7 years old. Does he know you're you yeah, I have the same name as him.
- he's Joe Rogan. You're a junior. No, I have a middle name. He
hasn't reached out to try to
get a cut of all this.
Oh, that's he's not Smite. You got your smarts from your mom. I guess he's alive.
Oh, yeah, he's alive. Well, yeah. Yeah, my mom's smart. That's my mom's family is very smart. Very very intense people. Yeah. Yeah, I can tell what's your lineage mostly Italian little bit of Irish? Oh my yeah my biological dad.
Adds father was from Ireland. Everybody's from Europe. Everybody was all my parents on both sides. All the family was all first generation immigrants. Do you like Ireland? I've never been I've been to Dublin for UFC and I was in Belfast. I was in Northern Ireland as well for UFC Ireland. I got three times
you feel like I'd seems like you feel more of a calling to Italy.
Well, that's the family. I knew right? You know, I'm I'm certainly some sort of a European mutt with Italian and
Oh and there's some African I got some African in there and some little small amount of Asian.
We heard you had a little African
never seen anything like this. Yeah, but you're the
most
interesting when you find out like where your ancestors came from.
Like this love it. I've 1% Asian. I'm like, where is that weird that
come fi is are very that's just getting old baby skin changes. How much is content cock?
I fucked so many people he had some Preposterous amount of DNA is Asian
20% of people are descendants of
his or something something wacky, like insanity. Have you ever seen or read listened and listened rather to Dan Carlin's Hardcore History? Yes. Yes. It's an amazing product him and you had a whole series called the wrath of the Khan Genghis Khan.
On and it fucking blew me away. The guy killed ten percent of the population of the planet Earth while he was alive
and he's got people in covid
translate to 0.5 percent of the male population of the world or roughly 16 million descendants living today.
And how many of those descendants have fucked each other nearly eight percent of the men living in the region
of the form of Mongol Emperor carry the Y chromosomes that are nearly identical to
him. That means he ate
Scent of the fucking people today
that live in that region have his genes. That's how many people that guy fat is.
Banana. I should have done that on Fear Factor. You have to swallow his come is really only comes like kimchi. They
buried in a
jar. I wonder if my ancestry is Scotch Irish came through West Virginia coal miners and there were a lot of Italian coal miners actually.
Yeah. Well people did what they had to do better. Maybe guys are cousins. That's the thing about like our world today. It's we
the jobs that are that suck today, you know, they still suck like there still are people that coal mine, but it's not what most people are doing when they come up with the the whole scratch and Claw that the immigrants had like that. My grandparents had those people that came here like straight off the boat like that is ass. That's why New Jersey and New York is so hostile. Yes The
Echoes of those people because Charlie was coming back.
Drama, yeah, and that's always had
this bit about California that everybody like got as far as they could and went fucking I want to live in
Hawaii. Yeah, stay right
here. It's like you're trying to get away from everything that was on the East
Coast. There are so many so specific about the personality type here. There's something just bitch in the DNA. Yes areas
people want attention. They want attention really really badly and if they don't get it, they think someone's doing them wrong that's very weird incident of
culture. And I mean, I guess it's a lot of people to come out here, too.
Pretend for a living. Yeah, very emotional
people. Well a lot of that and you you coming out here, even if it's not to pretend coming out here to get
famous. Well, I just feel like if you do get famous like a certain type of famous you've now come into this club where they're like, all right, you're not going to you're no longer going to be exactly who you are and especially with actors. I feel like your job is to play someone else to go. You're not gonna have any personal opinions. You're going to keep our secrets right? We're going to like your puppies kids adrenaline up. We're going to take their blood and we're going to whatever they do.
Notice it does feel like you are agreeing to be a part of the go-kart. We're let you in but you have to not hmm. Yeah, you have virus us like you have to keep it. Yeah, that's really interesting and it's interesting because I'm seeing so many actors now that are like becoming activists and I'm like is that just because you played a doctor on TV you think you can now be it was their dog getting any attention, right? The attention strap, there's no
sense. You can't go to the set. So there's no movie. There's no TV show. So what do they do they panic and they make these black-and-white videos about how they're going to take responsibility and
I'm not going to
land their dream so many mystery they're doing but act like I care about this I'm going to act like I was so prepared.
So like it's a rose.
That's what they do. I know I'm seeing all these celebrities pose with Kamala Harris. I'm like, you know, that's going to do the opposite of what you think. It's gonna make America hate her
that's gonna make America realize that the con is on you're a part of
it. Why is it over with Hill? Everyone's like vote for Hillary or you're an idiot. It's like give me one of those. Yeah, you know what Joey told?
Not you that I forgot to ask you last time I was here.
But did you have piranhas at some point? Yes. What was that? I I'm a problem. That's how I'll do you one better at one point in time. I had a outdoor Courtyard at my house and I was seriously considering glassing it in and getting some crocodile monitors and feeding them rabbits. I had this whole plan and I talked to an architect
and they said just moved to Florida
I was gonna
No glass in like this terrarium in the middle of my house and I was going to put tropical plants in there and like have sprinklers. So it sprays water and keeps them in a good healthy environment. I was going to let Wild Kingdom take place in my backyard, but they told me is a real problem with the rotting of the the the carcasses like if you feed rabbits to these think they shed and then you got to clean it up and you can't really go in there. So you have to hire someone to come in and like Russell the fucking monitors because they're
If you see a crocodile monitor, it's a terrifying looking creature. Wow. I had this idea
because it was like a monitor to watch the crocodile
very large scary lizard and it's because I had the puranas and I would buy the gold talk about Tim Dylan.
That's nice. So you had like a piranha guy who has an approximate
crocodiles forgets but that's not a real good picture of them. That's it. That's it right there. That one the yellow ones are the middle dinosaurs. Yeah, and they get fucking big they get big like six feet long and they can kill you.
I mean, it's not going to be a fun rest
take a bill take a bite out of your car. You're gonna clamp down onion one day and there was this guy with like it was a smaller ones like this big and it was yellow. I don't know. What is maybe one of the other
dragons that lady that's holding that one on the top
is playing with it like that. And then someone was like I saw later at the comedy store was like, you know that those could bite your
face off. They can take they do bite pick like take your nose off, but you can't predict what a large lizard is going to decide because that I extinct
Looking cool though that looks like a T-Rex. I look at that looks like a
dinosaur. It's a goddamn Raptor. He's gripping you
like Mike binder did I don't know when I became like the person that you touch when you want to say something offensive base
think I'm safe.
Don't suck me in was that you fucked up and move seats, and then you were the closest one. I don't know. Why will I thought Rogan should be in the middle. You guys
should have a tick tock house together.
We just do it without electricity. We're like, fuck this we're going to live with
you guys. Like we're Whitney you like you could do that. You could have a tick
tock I would fuckin do that. I have her kind of been doing this. You cannot have rent. I've kind of been doing that in the quarantine has sort of been like Tim Dylan's been staying with me Esther. I met Kandi come over. I just like I want to start like a coven of comic. Yes.
Well, I mean like we're saying like that's what we miss the
most hanging out. We wanted to be a harem. I built it I built right in
I can't speak for a stir but I can just don't pee on me. We're good. I I do I start a podcast in my house. I have a podcast Studio we could do it out of my pocket Studio. My head is my goal to make an E. Rich as fuck and just watch you go completely insane. I love it. Like you are going to be so handle it. You think she'll be okay being rich? Yep. Yeah, I think so too. I'm gonna give it all to like your ex-boyfriends. Anyway, you're going to stay for I've actually stopped doing that. I actually
Stop paying for my I've gone broke Rogan you were this was when used to give me $100 bills were in the parking lot and I go on stand next to Rogan. Right and I'm like, we're friends. We do the same thing. Obviously, it's been doing it longer than mean everything but the same thing like we're parked in the same party. Can you teach me how to be rich because I live in that car and you that's like one of your 60 cars or something and you started to laughing in my face. They went you pulled out a lot of money here. This means nothing to me handed me three hundred dollar bills.
Trying to give you money once but I thought it was weird out our relationship. Well, you want to give her money every time I saw him he was like slap me high five, but then I got worried because I thought you thought I was showing up to get money from him. Did you really mean what you said? Well, I was worried you were going to
think that oh, no, I never thought that was fun. It was a fun little gag where you
you this is the funniest bed ever. We should do it more like a man. It gets funnier than more money it is but you you told me to you were like if I handle the people that are because I love watching you.
You get attacked by fans, like it's one of my favorite when they approach because I see them getting nervous. You can see them to probably from fighting against like you're so uncomfortable and I see them coming and I watch you you're being clear been calling your very nice your fan friendly, but they're just having such a moment. They can't like Get over themselves. They're like freaking out. So I always like what I told you then you I'll pay you $100 to get people away, but then I started body checking people in like that's my friend and I'm hungry. I'm hungry.
Brandon shot in the face dude, when someone comes up to Rogen like you see them circling like a fucking Barracuda you're talking to bro. Can you see just people circling for some reason they always want to show you a video? No, they have more updates on their unfolding a paper that they always have something queued up for you to watch I got to show you something and but you handled it really? Well you do it without hurting their feelings, you know your size.
I try to do this Jedi
mind trick where you like? No, thanks, man. Like you make that
try to be very nice, but it's an odd thing like and but uh,
Like I said, it was it's odd when I meet like when I met Bourdain, well, the first thing is my wife says you're my boyfriend. That's like the first thing I thought that's so funny. She's like you to meet your boyfriend. She thinks he's just being funny and I said it to him and he's like, well, I'm like,
you're not a comic your guy with a summary so sexy
dude, dude. I'm just great great guy. He's so fun to hang around with I really
enjoy the joy that article is that you let me a girl Leah McSweeney row
I started and I was like, what what
Target's wasn't upsetting. Yeah. Yeah about what about Bourdain. She was just talking about like the toxic foot was a before he had died or was it after he died? She wrote she was right. She was writing about toxic femininity during the me to movement which was like a breath of fresh air. Thank you. And but she was talking about Asia Argenta and Rose McGowan and the stuff with the Anthony Bourdain and like how fucked up it was, but she just she's really she's cool. She's on the New York Housewives. Yeah. I know her. Yeah. It's very weird way.
Sort of about him. And yeah, but it was it's a real send it to it's a it's a really good article. Okay, just toxic
people. Yes. I know that's the problem is if you get into this whole believe all women thing or believe all men thing or believe all trans people anybody you're going to run into people that are Juke in the system. Yeah run into toxic
people and the people that say believe all this person of the same people these it's also the same people go you can't generalize about all people. It's like launches it.
Yeah. Well, that's the they're trying to rope you into complicity. You have to comply then if they're saying believe all
You must comply. Yeah, that's what they're doing. They're playing a game with you and it's not a rational one. It's not have I've thought this through and this is the best way as a sensitive nuanced person. We should approach this. We should look at it with an open mind. Yeah, that's saying that thank believe all anything leave out anything
disrespectful to like real victims. It's like yeah, I always hated the hatch. Like I was with joke I go I go the me to movement the hashtag bother me because it's like here's like I had a girl who I got in a fight with who her argument was. She goes you don't understand what the meat.
To movement was I'm the only one in this group of girlfriends that has actually had actual assault happened, you know and sat in court and stuff and like really hanging just bragging about how pretty you are. We get it and she goes that's not what we're fighting for. The me to movement is about why when I go to the comedy club to the male Comics kiss me on the cheek and not the other guys and I'm like this well,
So that's this. This is what I said. This is this part of the hashtag and then it's like real rapes are no way this is real rapes. And then this is like that part right and then they're like trying to like look at me some of that sweet real rape. I want some of that real weight getting some of that attention Christ trying to get the like you can't group it all together. It's
not you know that a comic not kissing his friends on the cheek, but kissing you know
that you use your words until that number say no. I don't want them to get you on the cheek. It's not the same as getting like
look some people Rave y'all know.
No, some people we can hug each other. Yeah, we hug each other when the some people I don't hug. I don't know him that well. Yeah, I don't know gum, but if I could hug you it's because I love you. Yeah, that's why I'm hugging
you but it's all it's everything's contacts. It's like it's like I've never felt weird around Joe Rogan hugs cooled, then someone holds onto
long like yikes more they
squeeze your back or your liquid on your lower back or touch your neck. There's this one girl to Comedy star. I don't want to say any distinguishing features because I don't want you to I don't want to I don't like being you can't right now. You can't like just say a little shit.
I think someone did because the like be cancel but here's what I'll say. It's like calling the cops on a block you can't do it anymore. We're gonna get stuck gonna get killed. Like I can't be like, oh we was so funny when that one comment grab my at you know, like you can't say anything but I mean it's interesting because it's like when I do I always add contacts and go like you don't get to decide what my experience with that person was in someone's back my ass and I thought it was funny. I get to decide that you don't get to decide how it affected right, you know this like self-righteous indignation in this like forcing me to have the
Experience you want me to have just so we're getting some adrenaline. Junkie like Twitter fight like you don't get to decide how it affected me, you know, so it's like women use your voices and speak up. But if you say it's something I don't like so you
get below a result you get blow back because you're like slowing the progress of outrage you like hitting the brakes on outrage because you like I'm not outraged. I'm not feeling well, you should be outraged we could use you you could be a part of the outrage
puddle. I'm average about a lot of things, you know, but I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm outraged about things that I'm not outraged about
He said think you're allowed to have your own interpretation of any experience. Like if you have a bunch of friends and all of you run up and smack each other in the ass and see each other, right? That's the thing you guys have decided is okay and you
do it. Stop liking it. Yeah go. I don't
like that anymore. Right? And if someone does it and then you say they don't like it. They should apologize and they should never do it again. And you said I'm sorry. I thought we were
doing that. I'm just not like apologies don't work anymore. I'm actually doing I'm doing like a limited series podcast with Bonnie McFarlane about it.
Called cancellous next Tuesday son, but we're canceling different things each time. Like I want you to do the cancel romance because everything's like molesting and romance now. I was dating a guy who was 30 and he asked every he said, can I take off your bra? Can I kiss you? And I don't know. Can you?
Well, yeah,
I know it's really weird. I think like the new sex sound instead of like slurping and suctioning is gonna be is gonna be to body cameras just like clinking against each other because we all need to record on both sides with the fuck's going. I know you have to set up a
camera in the room. What's all
you have to do porn people pretty much
to do a
punch my cervix with my
own hand. There will be cameras everywhere. I remember it was her sternum.
I was in I was in Houston like a year and a half ago when I was running.
I'm like a new our that a lot of it was about the me to stuff, you know, trying to keep it in context like a lot of this stuff shouldn't be reduced to a tweet or fucking iPad or whatever. So I was trying to really like dimensionalize it and I'm in Houston I go on stage and I'm I'm sort of like taking arguing both sides, which is what Comics character. We're we play Devil's Advocate and I said something about like a guy that had smack my ass and work or something and I was like, yeah that shouldn't have happened that was sort of my take on it and this woman in the front row just white girl take the compliment and move on just being like people have
Front takes on this all people do is a little bit tricky like okay. So I was why I've been walking trying to walk five miles a day just thinking and going through shit and coming up with ideas and I was walking with my fanny-pack. I'm sweating. I don't like shit you guys like the crazy sunglasses. I wear like the least hot thing in the world and I get this beat from this like beat up Corolla, you know from like the 80s and this guy like rose up and just studies just whacking it dick and it's fairly like it's like fairly hard like it's not like stop bragging on this podcast, but I'm saying I Stay
Dad anger even when I just can't help themselves. I had so many a range of emotions because then he had like a baby seat in the back and I was like, well, I was just thinking I was like I went to this range of emotions and then I was like, you know one day I will miss this. I do think for real y'all be like
I've known a lot of guys do that to old. Ladies.
No, but also guys have done something like that like grab me in a way that sauce.
Sensibly seems really weird and it hasn't made me feel uncomfortable. There was time. Someone will come to the comments are say absolutely nothing. Look at me a certain way and I'm like something's off about that fucking herb and you know, they're
off the wall, but you're allowed to have that and guys are allowed to have the to like there's some women that your be around your I gotta get the fuck away or sorry about this person or they'll grab you or how about Bill Burrs bit that he had in his last special paper tiger about a comic who's a very prominent feminist comic who slapped him in the dick guess who's going on to the stage. They were swapping positions.
Ins and he was going on the stage and she was coming off and she slaps his
debt and they're all these there are so many. I'm trying to like really for my next special work on like the way that were sexist towards man because there's just no one talks about I had that your answer huberman on my podcast. The other day is he's amazing brilliant neuroscientist who's like working on this thing for your eyes and all the sudden he comes on it like he's on my podcast and I'm like God you're so hot you're hot and I realized it's this hat if this was reversed if a podcast host had a female scientist on and be like you're hot
Exactly good to her side as they wouldn't go to jail. No, I'm should be K. I'm sure I like I honestly like I'm like, I think under these guidelines. I have raved have a bar like it
but here's the difference the difference.
Thank you very much for robbing. He's a great one was going to explain it.
Superman's a gorilla. He's a big dude. Yeah big. Yeah 230 pound man. Like he can't say that to you that way if he was the comedian and you were the scientist it would be threatening to you. You're not threatening him by saying he's hot. It's just a complex.
Oh, right. You don't know what you can manipulate she could.
But it was you know, because I was because he looks like a neurologist in a Marvel movie right? Like she looks like boo you with gags a Marvel movie. He says he's gonna tear his like scientist thing. Obviously.
He's got a thick a snack is big brawny. Dude, the guy you
would see in a Marvel movie who would play Scientist you like. That's not a fucking sign get just stop guys. Stop swap their time. Try feel like I get away with shit that a guy would never fucking ghetto brothers and I'm like, that's not fair.
That's it. But it is fair. That's the dynamic because there's no threat from you, right? That's why you can get away.
You said something crazy me about Whitney. What the fuck you talking about? It would never be like, oh Jesus now. I have to be scared to be alone with her. All right woman has to be scared to be alone. But I think
what happens to is there's like the power thing comes into it to and then you're like, so is it like Social Power political power career power source. No, we know
girls who have Force guys into having sex with them girls who were in power who forced guys who are working for them to have since we do we do know that we know that we know them.
M so this but we don't give a
fuck it doesn't end it dive under the table and it doesn't matter names but it doesn't mean anything. He's very upset with you.
We don't care. Yeah, right, we don't care but if it was the other way around it would be a
real hard to care. If they do care. I can't like if they feel victimized by it. I do care. Yeah, that's for the victim. It's not a gender thing. Like if they do feel like fuck I thought I wasn't going to but here's
the thing. If a guy's like Jesus, I can't believe I'm doing this is so disgusting, but I need this job and he does it we
I would be like yeah, those two are like you did watch know you did and I think a lot of people get caught into the in the sort of logistics of like well, would you be able to get a boner if you didn't want to do it, right Jenna mean? Oh, yeah. We're leaving man. We're doing right thing.
That's a good point. You know, it lit is a legitimate. Good point. That is a good point
K. Like can you as a man get raped?
Without getting a boner, you know what I mean? If you want to you can if it's just mental to drink the come of whatever animal that was then it's just mental to not be able
to yeah, you can rape to the you can certainly make an argument that if a man gets an erection that he's in consensual. Yeah, but here's the thing can a woman forced you into doing something and then you start enjoying it so you go along with it, but the beginning part was forced. Yeah, right. So is it still? Okay. It's a good question. That's hard one. That's that.
Be like a overly aggressive man to If a woman saying no, no, no, it starts like yeah is that rape? This is kind of is especially if you've got a good
editor. It's so hard because like four years ago. We know from Comics like what that hot topics were in it was fucking 50 Shades of Grey where we literally we were going when we say no we mean, yes, that was literally like if you have a helicopter in you're a billionaire, that's another great.
That's where he goes. No always means no. He's like no, it doesn't sometimes like no right? No stops really hard. That's that's true. But on paper, it's not you look at it in quotes. It's like okay. Yeah, that's not cool.
Do you know about the consent condoms? I was working on a bet about this before this condom condoms. No, I'm allergic. I didn't realize until I was like 23
I thought it was a fact that guys could be allergic to latex Salerno my balls drop. It's not ready to go. You can be looking because guys would use that as an excuse to not use a
condom in the wrong dating pool. This guys are all allergic to shit.
But so okay wait, so and that condoms are you have to have four hands on it to open the condom? Oh my God, which by the way if you're raping there's probably not a condom involved and but I but the joke I'm trying to work on is like have to put all your hands on it like a Ouija board.
Do you love
me put it into the trash because nobody's using condoms. Come on. Let's make condoms harder to you. Yeah, that's another barrier between condom. I don't think I've ever gotten involved in that. I'm always just like you handled that. I don't know what's going on people got mad. There was outrage when the condoms came out because they went that's ableist because if people don't have hands they can't put their hands on and my point was if you don't have hands aren't you just fist-fucking. Anyway, I like wrist fucking them. You're like StubHub. We're playing a
game of Jeopardy.
He was outraged, you know, just looking for things to be a pissed about if you really so pissed that you need for hands to open up this condom because you only have one hand or someone out. There only has one hand. That's a crazy thing to get upset about also got a friend the lend you a hand, but it's
also I think it's awesome. It's on us to stop taking the outrage series. We have to just ignore it. We have a story. It's not that big of a deal. It's a
game. Maybe it's a find a thing that you could be upset about find it. I don't have to actually be upset.
I got in trouble and I'm exaggerating. It wasn't that bad, but I said basket-case pass.
Good case to him. Yeah, right was a basket case because basket case refers to soldiers in World War one that had all of their limbs removed. They could fit in a basket. They call them a basket case and I was like I said something I was like if you insult yourself it's a self-deprecating thing I'm saying, I'm crazy. I'm a basket case know like you're offending World War One soldiers of no, I'm offending myself. They're all dead. Yeah. I think there's some trouble for it was she was saying something it was Veterans Day or something and it was about she's made some like it was like
Cheerios or something? She's like, yeah, the only thing they can eat or something that they can eat without teeth or something and it was like people like how dare you and it's like but they are elderly and it's not she's just making a joke and then she didn't cheat put out an apology. That wasn't an apology and was very good. Yeah. I mean we need to have really good English words. I think this is what happens when Sports goes away. This is what happens with everything's gone away.
Yeah. This is like the vibration of the country is a vibration. It was already happening but this accentuated it in a big way the vibration so off all the unemployed did you eat?
You know James altered sure the guy who he's one of the owners of stand-up New York and to read the article that you wrote about New York. He's like New York City's Dead Forever and it's not coming back and it's fucking terrifying. Yeah, and it's true and it's accurate and I think that's the same with Allah and I think it's the same with a lot of people and people are on fucking
tilt right now. Do you think that everything makes men often? So cool dude Austin's dough, but do you think that the sort of modern-day Coliseum is Twitter like we've always had this in us, we've always wanted to watch people get torn apart,
but I think it's a totally new thing.
It's not just watching people to get torn apart. It's the ability to participate and it's also
it's the calving stock and taking someone down
you're getting addicted to this weird feedback loop that the the book irresistible talks about you're putting something out there. And then you reading the response to you you're addicted to how many likes and retweets and show you
get and I think you feel addicted to feeling part of something really help take that person and I was an activist. Yeah active people have it in their like bios now, they're like activist. Yeah.
You as an activist We complain a lot the complain a lot and they try to get People canceled when
I lie - I just like you're an obnoxious complaint. Yeah, they were talking about the environment like a fuck of course like the environment but I
got to go to Whole Foods actors don't get any attention anymore. They become activists and this is a really common thing with the people that are just pure narcissist. I just see them like supporting these fucking
honours or qualifications. Like what like what qualifies I just feel like if you want to get the ultimate virtue signaling and the best way to be like a good
Person because I do believe all of this is like a fear of death and people want to like live on terror manage their life. Yeah, so they're like if I do all this good stuff like when I die, like all the news will talk about me and they'll celebrate my birthday or whatever and I'll live on forever but with if you think about with oh my God, I'm having an add moment. What was I talking about? 80 d80. Do you were talking about cancer culture cancel culture activism activism the best way to do it is the way that George Michael did it where he was Underground?
Amazing. He was like giving to these Charities who's like a silent philanthropist so that if you really want that attention, which I'm not saying that's what he did when he died. It came out that he was like, yeah amazing. Yeah, and it wasn't like the glory of being on this earth like everyone being like wow, you're like a that's so amazing that you don't adjust motions people post their donations. It's so great it for the right reasons tax rate was a huge tax Dota or donation.
Sounds like they're so amazing. It's like well, that's also right off from them. So my God, they have to give a certain amount of care way to learn about. It's just so transparent
and gross when you see people trying so hard to get people to think their virtuous and that's what it is. It's like us but when you see people do it that, you know are pure narcissists it's offensive,
but I felt like during black lives matter. I was so conflicted because I did want to I was like, I don't want people to I am like for I want people to have equality and I do believe there's
Systemic racism and and are systemic. I said it wrong uneducated house anymore. But you know, but I do believe in that but like with the black Square I ended up posting it and then I the reason I was so mad at myself because I always I'll do the thing, but I always want there to be an element of jokes because I'm a comedian. Yeah, so I realized after I posted it. What I should have done was repost Rachel dolezal has black squared and then it would have had like in the corner would have said and I fucking miss that opportunity, but people were like your virtues.
Like I just I don't I do want to let it be known that I'm willing to like lose followers over but you have to also know what like their motive in doing it. It's so clear when someone's doing it and self-serving. It's like when someone dies and you see them post a picture of them and the person that died, it's like did you just go into your iCloud and be like, where's that photo of me? The dead famous person Rivers died. Someone posted a comic books whose terrible posted a thing. That was like, I'm going to miss Joan Rivers once she saw me perform and told me how amazing it and we're just saying
How are you managing to make this death about
you? What is nothing grosser than when someone talks about how much someone who died loved that loved them. Thought they were awesome. Right member
went to Notre Dame was burning and everyone was posting photos of them at Notre Dame bragging about, you know, just bragging about your chick. None of them went in none of them waited in line to go in they were outside like fuck that ladder inside and then as soon as it caught on fire, I was like, this is me well during the protest they were getting people are canceling like the
The people taking selfies with
the they were taking selfies than going home and not actually protesting I saw because I wasn't one of the protests and people come and take a picture and just start out. I was like, she's crying. I was told I told Darnell I was like if you need my my white body to jump in front of you because they were showing like videos of like white girls, like going in front of black guys when the cops would come over to stand infront of them as a little white Shield. I was like, I was like Donna I'll stand in front of I'll use my white body in front of me. But only when the cameras on like I just like jumping from like at my photo op and then I'm like, alright so ridiculous. But yeah, it's I think it's just
Like a matter of motives and it is so clear when someone's using it right answer own agenda. I think
they love attention social media is the big attention fix and everybody's hooked on
imagine thinking that someone imagine like being on a soap opera and thinking someone wants your take. Yeah on Pollock, like imagine being an actress. They think it's a
career move. I really do. I think when you want to support the right candidate or you want to support the right bill or you want to add zero celebrities
Scott Baio, so yeah
0 well Locust he had zero because zero celebrity. Yeah
Kanye eventually, but yeah, I know is it coming on don't think
so the irony that celebrities think they're helping when in reality they're harming the fact that they didn't go like. Oh, this is why people hate Hilary a big part of it how that's why Ricky Gervais is so funny like calling everyone out at the ceremonies because they were there like, they're all like fuck our wines sometimes up. I'm like your friend here
how many of them have?
Videos of them thanking him at the Academy Awards. That's what and then they were all crazy crazy. There's so many people thinking Harvey Weinstein
house has its so Maddie like you fucking asshole, but he
probably was like I never saw this coming. Yeah I've ever thought that I could get taken down with all those videos of all those people. Yeah, Meryl Streep's and how amazing I am all these people say how amazing he is. Yeah still got
taken number how crazy that was. I remember being at the comedy store when Ricky Gervais was doing that and I posted. Oh everyone's mad at Ricky.
Days, which probably means he told some jokes like I tweeted that or something Ben Shapiro was tweeting it like Candace Owens was I'll all of a sudden I was all right because I was defending jokes. He knows about this. All right, if you're a pro comedy because they're not being real. This is they're not being
honest. They just write this one a box you into a corner and label you and then play this game to see how many people retweeted where it goes and whether they can get you canceled. No one wants new one that no one that I'm not. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
That's a lot of it what it is. It's like they just look at you as a
Target. I read on somewhere that 22% of people are on Twitter and of that 2% generate 80% of the comments. Yeah, so it's also such a small group
in an environmentally down. There's a lot of them are mentally ill like legitimately mentally ill like depressed anxious fucked up checking the shit constantly
on their on their bios. It'll say proud mental mental health. They them I always get someone that is like your
Busted whore and I always wanted to go to their page. And so I was like proud father of a girl who's so obviously a woman writes that heard she identifies as Hershey and you're like what of course if it's a different thing show
me like if you ever it is they them you write they them on your bio. I mean, I love it your they
it's a I mean, I think that we have to stop taking cancel called like we have to stop giving it are to yeah. I mean we have to stop we can tell Arena we can be friends
saying it is what's important.
Yeah.
About it like this, but I mean, I just like whenever it's like we can't do jokes. Yes, you can fucking do them. Just keep doing it in Franklin has a joke that I don't I'm going to butcher it but it's something along. Do you know her subhanallah cards are so funny. Okay, so she goes she was I can't use people's correct pronouns because then I just sound like a slave if I'm like, they that you know what? I mean. She don't like sleep, but when you get into a combo drive and start telling jokes people want to laugh other Comics might not want to journalist might not want to Justice Warriors might not want to but the average person is
On Twitter every day attackers
medians. Yeah. Well people trying to be offended little talking about earlier. That's not that they're actually offended. They're trying to be offended and then becomes a game find things that are Target's yeah it is it is it actually offending you is that what you're talking about or have you found a valid Target and now you're just going after it because this is the game you like. Yeah, you sank my battleship. They're playing a little weird
game makes them feel important or something. And then the the most annoying fucking thing I got is whenever I like laugh at an offensive joke and someone goes you're enabling like oh, so I'm the
Problem.
It's like even in valid criticism. It's still valid like it to that dummy. That's like a valid piece of criticism. Like we can't silence them either with the whole thing is mocking them right like market. So it like you expose it for what you really think it is but they have to be able to do that too. So we can figure out where the line really is. This is what a lot of people that are really super liberal don't understand why they think it's a good idea to silence and D platform conservative people. It's a terrible idea.
Because then you don't develop the proper Arguments for what they're developing the way these things are supposed to go is someone says something like you're an enabler and you like shot the fuck up, right? Everybody's like, yeah, but you and I personally like a moron and then someone has a valid piece of crisis in the comic kind of looks like a dick and then maybe the and then and
then you figure out the yeah what we actually agree
on instead of using buzzwords and using like little things that people say to just find a
Target we both have to exist.
Yeah, yeah for us both to exist as you know, we figured out a lot of those people are going to get out of that. They're going to be your friend one and also you're allowed like like you're not better than other people because you think a certain way there's so many people that are like, I'm right obviously and you're wrong obviously and it's like that's not how things were and with all the canceling all the Twitter stuff. They're going Pat like down this line of which now we've given them what sweater right you're just giving people a transcript of like all the shit you've said over the years, but it's like you're expected to have this perfect record like yours.
We're flawed human I learned that's how we learn. That's how we grow. Its through adversity. We learn we fuck up we fail we get back up and there's no room for that anymore. But
it's also here's the thing. Like why are you spending so much time complaining about other people all day. I'll tell you why because you're not healthy. All right, look, you're not doing smart things. If I look at your credit Twitter timeline, and I'm seeing tweets 12 hours a day. You're a crazy person. Yeah might not realize you're crazy person, but
they'll be a day where we will look back and
Go member when anyone could get on Twitter at any time, you think there's going to be like like smoking. There's no
restriction. I think Twitter is going to be like Blockbuster Video. I think we look back you. Remember when we used to communicate through Twitter? Oh my God, it was so toxic. Everybody was so mean we're going to hit some new thing next. It's going to allow people to read each other's minds or Elon Musk neural link, which he's talking about communicating with no words. We're going to hit that and it's going to make this seem like nonsense. Yeah, what we're lacking in. This is one of the things that in that book irresistible, there's
No, empathy and these conversations and that's the big part of the problem. It's like you don't see the people you don't feel their pain. So you can say horrible shit to them. It's the vast majority of the way people are communicating like a lot of Rights the vast majority of their communication is text messages and tweets and none of it is person-to-person like well, these kids are arguing with each other through tax because they don't want to look at each other and talk like
human being ironically
only way you develop and grow as a
person Louis did like a whole kind of bit on
On one of the late shows before obviously the canceling but he where he was talking about that he's like you need like his you need to see someone's feelings be hurt to realize that your words have a specific type of impact on people and then you decide like oh, I don't want to do that anymore. Yeah, like I don't want to but if you don't if you just are shooting these things out and they're going into this void and then you get a you get
praised from Mumbai. Yeah quads were sitting at home by
themselves. Yeah cancel her.
Lamont mobs,
it's a drug. I mean it is a drug. You do feel high and I gotta say it's like the same way when you drive by a car accident your local hopeless who severed body kind of like want to see some fucking like when I see that someone, you know you the they do these like so and so is over party which is so fucked up when you think about it almost looks like part pure adrenaline and I can't help myself. Oh my God female comedians who are like the sum that would probably say The Comedy Store sucks. They did a a retirement party.
84 men there was like all these Like Comics that aren't passed it actual gloves female Comics. Yeah, and they had like a banner and it was like by men or whatever was like two years ago Michael durable. That sounds like a good use of time. Maybe I can shed some fucking jokes like Kenny and I were you know, bonding a lot over the break about sort of like, you know, no one's been meter trust in this business than women. Yeah, you know, it's like no one's have that uncomfortable conversation.
Yeah there, you know just chillin. Yeah, it's not been versus women. It's bad versus good man. Good man versus bad women in bad
man. Again. It's like we live in generalizations. So yeah, we love generalizations and we don't like Nuance because it makes us Force forces us to look at our own ideas. Yeah, it's uncomfortable it just because you know men are doing well in a business and you're not it doesn't mean the men have some sort of a conspiracy. You know, I think it's harder for a woman to be a comic I do and I think it's hard to because this is
Aditi I think it's more difficult to talk about things that are important like a man can talk about politics is very difficult for a woman to go on stage to talk about politics men can talk about sex and they don't look like they're a slot or damaged. I think a woman to talk about a woman has to be you can if you're an auto truck was going to get to that woman. Like there was who Christopher Hitchens Christopher Hitchens had a bit in Vanity Fair wrote a story women aren't funny and that's it was like this this really sort of take down of
Like the kind of Comedy that a woman has to do to be funny. They have to be Butchie or has to be male kind of calm. I don't necessarily agree with them because I think there's a lot of women that are really funny but I think it's a harder path. I think it's a more narrow Keyhole you're shooting through whereas a guy I think in general audiences will accept a man telling them. What's wrong. Whereas I think a lot of men in particular on dates do not want to hear a woman, especially an attractive one. Tell the the guy in the audience that he's wrong.
Yeah.
I think women are naturally more empathetic can tend to be more empathetic just because we're mothers were nurtures or caregivers. And so we are we're not I mean we're Barren and he have to do comedy whenever like like Joey some things like you're smart. You're like, you know, you're like one of the guys like you fit in with the I'm like you fit in with me bitch, but but but it's like you're fucking keep forgetting. I've got to stop smoking weed. It's just it's like early on that. I want I know the comedian of females are more empathetic. We're pathetic. So we're turn dwelling.
To listen to a guy talk about his day jerking off or anything like one of those things that maybe we wouldn't have the experience of having as a woman but guys are less interested in hearing about our wasn't one of the points that Hitchens was making that were wired to worry about women if they hurt themselves and so much a comedy is talking about I hurt myself I made this mistake. I just you know that it's sort of like we're wired to be protective of them. So it's not funny like if a man slips on a banana peel, it's funny. If a woman slips on a banana peels are you
okay is any one factor? I think there's a bunch of factors.
I think that's it to ya think. That's that factors into but I think the big one is men don't want to hear women talking about things like opinions on politics. Yeah or opinions on money or opinions. I like to get mad a lot of guys like yeah, they'll get that thing. Especially young guys young guys on dates. I want to look like a cool guy and some girls saying something like here's the fucking problem with men. Yeah this bitch, you know, I'm sure you don't vote for Biden, you know, you ain't blow. Yeah, whatever whatever they
want to say.
We were doing stand-up and people would intro as so are you guys ready for a lady?
This is not any very ladylike. Sorry just their way of saying if you guys need to go to the bathroom or failure meter Now's the
Time. That was we talked about the other night the word comedian. Well, there used to be a
word I get that a lot of people say it like it's ironic. It's like the New York Times and like really fancy journalist was a comedian and I'm going are you supposed to be the most focus of the whoa cries Civ that supposed to be
sophisticated and I'm a lot of people don't even like actress anymore. They just say I'm an actor. Yeah because female could be an actress
because they are like that they prefer activist. I actually don't mind being
like treated like an under cuz that's an opportunity make a joke. Yeah, like when I bring you on I sang before like sometimes go around Jason go learn is the chemical burn me on a day like this sexy this next sexy and I'm always like you know, but I did instead of getting offended. I just go on stage and I was go when we were out in the parking lot one night. I said if my wife were dead, I'd fuck. I'd fuck the shit out of you know, like if I was dead possibly could fuck the shit out of me. I always gets a laugh. It makes the lesson couple it's like our job is to like make fun. Yes of a weird.
Situation like not go like I'm deeply like, why would I be offended who care? Yeah, and it's fun to come on in a hole. So yes and dig out as
well. It's just definitely some way to break the ice.
Yeah, and there's also like, you know, I remember when I first started I was like, you know, I look back and I'm like people look like women are funny and women are for I was like, I wasn't funny when I started no one's funny when they fuck I was like women aren't funny and you know, I couldn't get stage time.
I'm because I didn't deserve
some time. It does a lot of guys are enough money to yes, of course not isolated to any gender and there's a lot of women that are funny and that's why the whole thing is so offensive because to the people that have already gotten through and become professional comics and they know what the real deal is. The real deal is you like everybody was funny. Yeah, that's the real deal real deal is everybody is kind of really cool to each other that are really funny.
Yeah. I know when you make fun, it's Michelle.
Whoever is a killer Fortune faster.
So that's why I think I'm gonna take a funny. No
carrots.
No one mean all those people are just accepted. That's right, because that's
funny. Yeah. Nobody pays money drives out to a comedy show gets a date pays the two-drink minimum and then wants to like intentionally not laugh at someone. Yeah, nobody does that there they want you to win
but I think a lot of guys have a hard time with women being in control. I really do. I know a lot of guys that's what they'd I'm like that she's hilarious. I don't fucking talks about this too much.
Yeah. Yeah, there's
Just like there's no off-limits. It's just fun. He's fine. You can talk about anything. There's no
there's no fee members used to be male political comedians. Like will Durst like his whole act would be political or Randy Credit Go the whole Act was political Jimmy tingles, very political. There's never a Woman comic like
that. Now, there's like talk shows like Samantha Bee or like run out of shows like talk talk show, but you guys in an audience when Samantha Bee had I remember there were first running the ad campaign for the show coming out they still at we're doing
Is that where it was like they had her have like these big balls or something. They're like playing so much on the gender thing where it's almost like just do the show and don't which by light do whatever you want. Obviously she has a successful show but it's like let's just be women doing a thing and not have to talk about the fact that we're reminded that
yeah the time. Well you when you're a woman and you're in a position of power like that you kind of have to like the won't be the one who takes control and like with there's an issue that needs to be discussed. You kind of have to call it out on your show, right? It's like it's not like a
If a guy is doing a show like Jimmy tingle or not, you're meeting with Jimmy. You gotta stop saying Tango.
It's like to it.
He's one of those guys from Boston when I first started was a brilliant brilliant comedian. But anyway a male comic doesn't feel like they have to defend men. Right? Like if of another male Comics is getting shit on they don't feel like they have to jump into The Fray. Hey Ice guys have to stick together, but women do
I don't think I don't like you, but I don't have the power.
I don't have tits and I don't have a
cloud to say Baron with Baron Trump around like
for real. So interesting
imagine that would give it becomes a word that like hey, you know, that's not cool.
Like that's the least of his problems say
infertile. You have other words, right? Who's the right
one? Very long ones that are going to ask Joe about our proposition for drugs. Why was telling her you two are the ones that have made me forgot the most about whether I can have kids or not. So do you want to go halfsies on freezing her eggs want to freeze your eggs you both were like
you both are like if you're gonna have kids bedrooms and she was like freeze your eggs today. I was like, can I borrow money for the Uber at least like
there's no more Uber in La as of today.
Oh really wash up Uber and Lyft
down cool. Yeah, but
just because of covid there's nothing to do not make any money
because the regulations the state government wants to put on people they want them all to be employees. Hmm. Yeah, but
they're using the covid as the know
they're not using covid acid. It's just they just passed it and Uber and Lyft are both pulling out of California, which is going to
I mean how many people are going to have to drive drunk now? Wow, how many people are not many people have jobs exactly. How many people who are barely getting by anyway, all the sudden God the carpet got pulled out from under them and there's a lot of people that are at least they're doing Uber and the driving people around
again. How many comments are going to lose all of their setups and now they don't have Uber drivers to talk about I mean, we
only can hope that they come to their senses and realize how crazy this is and this time to take any job away, but I think the problem is some people want it because they want health insurance and they want all that.
Sorts of protections as an employee, but it's a gig, you know, it's what they call a like gig employment. Right? Right. Not a job. It's a career. It's just to get yeah, and you can make a lot of money doing it part-time and they like nah, fuck you you're making a lot of money. They're not making as much money. You need to give them some of that money. They need to be employees. I get the argument. Yeah, it's just saying is
an Airbnb not allowed to because of covid no. No,
I don't think that's true because I know people have used Airbnb
because I was going to say thank everyone.
Like sideburns are friends and
shit, but be a lot I bet they're hurting though. Not a lot of people don't want to do it. But the thing about the Uber in the lift thing. It's like I see both ways because it's like how much money do they make off that app? And how do they divvy that shit up? Yeah. I see a lot of
those drivers in Tesla's and I'm like, you must be making some money. Maybe
that's just a person who wants a test. Yeah. It says if I just work 10 hours a day, I can afford a tax. Right? Right, right. The thing is like who's the Uber people in the lift at the people at the own the company? How much do they make in time? But just having a nap.
Yeah, I think they're not good. I don't think they're they give a great percentage to that. I started not liking Uber when the drivers could write you back great you back. That's and I would just get in the Uber sometimes and say nothing. I would go to the comi start working on my act and sometimes people do want to chat and I'm just really quiet and then I would get like four stars they say maybe that you like
Tablet the ring. I don't know I got kids. I got kicked off of lift because I was mad that a driver must ran my foot over once and I left a message on his answering machine. Like I hope you rotten fucking hell and then they said I abused him and then they asked why and I just went honestly, I'm PMSing. I didn't that wasn't a good like honestly, I almost hurt me. I'm not on my period and I'm really mad of your fucking forth trying we're trying to change what PMS is called because it was offensive. It was not instead of the pizza means tonight.
And straight it wasn't it post-metal dysmorphia, aren't they calling it that now is how do we change the Morpheus? Yeah
dysmorphia body dysmorphia. Yeah. They were trying to put tampons in the men's bathroom at Yale because they said sometimes men menstruate. I think the last time I was on this podcast we talked about the we talked about it's adorable
women don't know it's like it's not like being anti not allowed to talk about it at all. Unless you're like completely on the side of
Of I don't understand why you can't just go like I'm standing outside of this situation and I this side is saying this and this side is saying that and you can't because then they're like you're you're trying to ask yourself
and say Here's what you'd say. We put tampons in the men's room because sometimes trans women use the men's room and they can still get their period that's an accurate way of saying that that's a real way you can you can say that
Paula
you're not me. It's not me here. I'm a
mess. That wasn't me. That's you.
That's me. You talking about is always the best
distinctive ring. So when you call me, I know exactly what this island. I have to T-Rex Roar. That's really
Yeah, so might someone calls me at
Roars dude. When are we ever going to see you? Again Joe? I'm actually starting at
sad come with us custom visit. I'll come
back. I only fly private now since it has the largest population of bats. Yeah North American good crazy, but that gave us courage to meet any of them. Not Chinese people. That's she's the best.
Many Chinese science. Have you seen them fly out from under the bridge
wild? Yeah at dusk so cool. Yeah, it's really cool soon as it starts turned dark out. They fly. I mean millions of them.
Yeah. I want kayak is in North America. Look at that. Look at that largest waterfowl Festival. That's so fun. That's an Austin. What's it called Moontower Moontower? What isn't awesome the only city that still operates Moon Towers. I don't
know it is I don't know. I believe it is. I never want to and I've never done any of
those. Yeah, those are good. And the Austin City Limits is another one. It also has the only nude beach in.
Yes, I do know that so
you have done Austin City Limits. I've done that theater the big theater. Yeah, what does the theater Paramount? Is that what it is? I don't know but it's beautiful. Yeah, it's gorgeous inside. Is that at the Paramount Theater in Austin? It's
fuck. It's so cool Moonlight Towers
Austin only known surviving Moonlight Towers in the world. What does that mean?
They go on at night and it creates light as if it was the moon they're everywhere. They're saying only known surviving and then there's a picture of Brody.
Hey Tanner, Gunn and it's like fuck. Have you been to Austin before? Yeah, I did the Moontower. Oh, nice. Nice. Yeah, they let me do Festival. Sometimes we're gonna come we're gonna come let
Johanna come visit.
Well, we're gonna take over your studio for our podcast Chobani trauma bonding. Well, you already have one with Bonnie and I'm jealous. Well, you're going to be on it and we're just doing six where it's a limited series you think bond
is going to try to put a wedge between you two.
No, no actually less bodies the cool.
Ooh, laughs she's such a I talked to Bonnie every day. We laugh all she's the fucking bitch. She's almost
world and the movies are great example, we're talking about women aren't funny. It's too fucking what she
dressed up like a guy at one time said she looks like Rafi who were talking about the other day a little bit. Yeah. She looked something that made me laugh so hard at that documentary is when there were shoes like well, there are some women that aren't funny and because there's lots of us you can make a sort of stereotype based on one person's like we don't need to get more women in comedy.
Have to ask the people that suck to quit. Yeah, she called him a bunch of female comics and she was like, hey, can you stop doing stand-up? It's ruining it for the
rest. You know what I know what my feelings are. It's not the people that suck. It's the people that aren't that good. Those are the Dangerous Ones. It's not the one to suck because the ones that suck. Everybody knows they suck. You just kind of never have not about you underst the ones that are just fucking Shane. Oh, it's the guys their premises are kind of okay their deliveries kind of all right, they get some possible. Yeah, they don't get enough.
Enough and then they're angry. Those are the
ones I think it's a male Comics fault that because if you think about the best pick-up line for Mel comic to hit on a female comic is you're funny. Yeah, you're really funny.
Yeah, like you're funny and then
girls like I am like a totally worked on me so mad on the seat to me. I feel like if someone says you're funny or not funny if you just come off stage like it does I guess there's nothing that means you're funny
that mean look if someone thinks you're funny they if they say it it should register.
Yeah. Yeah, the
problem is it's you got that male-female Dynamic since I was he's trying to fuck me. What is it?
Well, that's why I like that you find me disgusting and you're put here so that's why I'm like,
okay. I had to say that in the moment. There's some
funny it was very funny about comedy that does kind of neuter us. You don't like I don't feel Sexual Energy around comics like no offense, right? But there's just something it just feels very fraternal and it just I never feel sexual. That's
what we were talking about the
The The Comedy Store the other night when we're doing the thing. It's like there's not that many of them. Yeah, there might be a thousand of us on the planet at a
$7 billion baby way less. I have this pandemic.
Yeah legitimate. Well, they can't drive lips anymore. I gotta go.
I mean, I feel like we're going to come back and half the comments are going to have moved home. I'm gonna get sick sweet spots of The
Comedy Store. Now the question is how many clubs going to be open? The car is gonna stay open, but how many clubs will be this to be a lot that go under a lot like maybe half of them in the country.
Out of what I was hearing was I kept booking dates and cancelling and booking and canceling member during that time when it was just chaos. We didn't want to just surrender to what the fuck was happening. But a lot of clubs wanted us to book knowing we were going to have to cancel just so they could get some income and then they weren't going to refund they were just going to give you a credit. I paid money to see Joe Rogan knowing he was not to give you a light on then to go
just to keep the lights on
knowing the show's never going to happen and then you get a credit to my club and Jane kleeb had one had become a president.
We bailed out of all the clubs like
you say up president.
We've had become a president to touch you are with politics. She's like how many of them are doing holiday
become a president.
It's just so weird because a lot of these clubs are barely functioning without a pandemic.
Oh, yeah, like a factory and like maybe some of the smaller outside clubs like haha or ice house. Why did comedy Connection
close in Boston? All those years back?
Well the oh
And up the Wilbur Theater. Oh and the same. Yeah, when they land Bill blooming Right started doing shows the Wilbur the Wilbur's like what 1,200 1,300 people so we started getting literally like a good headliner who would sell out Faneuil Hall which is like 500 people or 400 people you can actually with his mail list and the fact that commie so popular in Boston, he could sell out the Wilbur.
I just remember like The Comedy Store. Oh are is my favorite room in the world? Yeah. It's the best part of the comedy connection.
In that
room Faneuil Hall ones the
way that it was wide and shallow and kind of wide with low
ceilings. Yeah. I used to get Ari shaffir so high that he couldn't remember what we
talked about
and then I'd send him on stage and he was like, I'm too hard to stomach so
MIA no, no. No, it's
fine. I got he was a shouldn't get too high go dude. You can't get fired. You literally can't give her the mic. You work for me.
You're funny. Have fun, man. Let's get just go drug. Your friends was later. Yeah.
Was that a part of that re came to my house like a year ago and was like, I need to talk to you and I was like, oh shit this probably not going to go. Well I but this is a prank waiting to happen. We get dose or something and he came over and he took me on a hike and he was like basically like this is an intervention. You need to go get lost somewhere. Like I want you to go to Peru for two months without a cell phone or something and I was like, you're out of your fucking mind he goes, but keep tweeting controversial thing.
Lost in your fucking field of
he said it because he did it himself and he's right.
So that when I posted that book, he's like I'll accept your apology.
Are you going to change your cell phone habits now that you read that book already have well, you know that I put on my phone because of you. I have a folder called addict at the very end with my social media, but now I just scroll seven times you get to it if you know what I do when I'm healthy. I delete all of the app. So then you have to redownload them and it's just this extra step that's annoying. Yeah, however what I can normalize the extra step that you know, what I
Sighs I just kept I would pick my phone up and I would just tap like I'm so addicted to
just tap and I would start
downloading then immediately went down. I was telling me this was a real doctor huberman said that people when they come out of surgery. The first thing they do when they come out of anesthesia is they grab their genitals. It's just like
a subconscious thing still there. Yes, Jesus, but now they reach for their phone. Oh my God, it's better than you did. Wow. It's a good it's going to be a part of your body. It's just a matter of time. We were so attached those goddamn things if
One must really falls through this neurolytic thing and they cut a hole in people's head the size of a quarter and stick a bunch of wires into your brain, which is literally what he said they're going to do and you have some
bluetooth-enabled like people were at vaccines like a hello.
But here's the thing if what he was saying is it's going to be a massive Advantage for people that have it you're going to have much more access to information the bandwidth in which you process information be much thicker and wider you're gonna
have people be able to remember her thoughts. Oh my God twice in one day.
Because you have three hours slow down, it's
fine. I know but it gets you the energy like you when we're having a fun conversation is like I got something to tell you. You don't know when to jump
like puppies. They could probably let me do my Joey Diaz impression Hey Joe Rogan. I like city called you Joe Rogan. So if today someone said we can schools can open up clubs can open up venues can open up we can go back to normal if
You wear this bracelet that tells me where you are at all times where you were last night and who you hung out
with this is the problem with it. The same problem is shutting down The Tick-Tock house. It's because okay you shut down a house that has 200 people. What if it gets down to five what if they tell you you have to split your family up. What if you have 10 people in your house, you can't have more than 10 what if you have to love Grandma comes over can't come over. Yeah the fuck are they? Yeah until you can't have a party you have mismanaged this crisis so horribly.
And every step of the way and not just the city and not just the state the federal government and of course the people that were releasing the information from Wuhan that's the that's the big step because they're the ones who fucked it up because there was a lot of legit doctors and scientists that were in Wuhan Chinese doctors there were trying to get the word out and they were silenced and the main one the first one that did it actually wind up dying from the fucking crazy. It's crazy, right? So that's that's the biggest fuck-up but there's fuck ups every step of the way one of the biggest fuck-ups it's happening.
Right now is these people being in a position of power and telling people that they can't work telling people they can't do things talent, but you can protest you saw the governor got shot down, right but I did it see that you hate em, dumb suppose. Yes crate governors in Long Island The Comedy Club. You can't have a person that just because they win a popularity contest make new rules. You can't give them the power to make new rules because everybody becomes a fucking Tyrant and there's what they're doing. They all they're doing is to protect people. You tell me how many fucking hospital beds you have. Tell me what the death rate. Yes, and then you tell me why.
This is the only state in the country that can that can't open a beauty salon. The beauty salons can't be open right now. Only California. They're crazy. This is the it's a crazy
State and they open them for a second and then took it away with your tooth is maybe it's best. We don't pay enough taxes. That's Jesus Christ or Lyft and Uber shit. I never been Tipping Point. This is that bad people are going to wake the
fuck up. No, it's fine. I
just hate everybody.
The fact that they can shut down these tick stalkers, we should be nervous not because he's took stalkers are geniuses. Yeah, but it's because who the fuck are you to say? You can shut the power off my you can shut someone's power off but it is
very slow. Yeah, they're taking their plan to use their phone.
Your phone's gonna die and then your
they're shutting the lights off in the house right doing the cutting off the water. But if you do that, like you're saying that you have the ability to shut off Essentials things that keep people alive water and power and just you're saying that you have the ability to tell them how they can live in this house and there's no real law that says you can limit the amount of people that can go to a party right don't think there
is I'll tell you where this does not happen. Text us know.
My mom is from Texas. Yeah, you do not get to tell people from Texas what to fucking do except don't smoke weed. Yeah, except we'd what do we do about that? We'll figure it out.
I'm gonna have the what occupancy laws and shit like that like the amount of people that can be kind of place but it's you can't change them. Can you can you make it a house like of a house is normally has a party like Dan Bilzerian is placed here in college and you have too many people at your house. They'll come and shut it down, right but that's the cops and that's not your house. That's it. That's it. That's it. Jamie not on the house.
That a priori renting it and you know have ten million dollars to buy those houses if the people who own the house have some sort of a regulation. Maybe I could see it. But if you like Dan Bilzerian didn't own that house either and the whole thing about that house would piss off the neighbors was because he would just busts in people and they'd fill that place up and DJs and marshmallows there and shit never he's going crazy, but they didn't shut his power off. So they're sitting there saying there's they have the ability to show your power water out because during the pandemic they can limit the amount of people in your house. So that's a new rule because if they
Were having these occupancy laws. Dan Bilzerian would have gotten shut down they're doing it because they're saying you could spread covid this way and it's irresponsible. The problem is the way that they're doing something new and shutting power off on someone's house. That doesn't listen. They're shutting power off on someone who's having a party who doesn't obey
but did they have been doing it for press to kind of let people know what's up. It's like a threat and this is the same fucking guy that offered rewards
for people who turn folks in.
The whole thing snitches get stitches. Well now stitches get rewards if he had
racial Justice thing if
people happen treaties and that was for small parties. That's remember that was her people having fucking barbecues Hmm. This shit is slippery. You think
I'm going to get shot because I'm starting a stand-up show. My backyard just for Comics were going to do testing. Like what Chappelle's doing in Ohio. I'm going to do in my backyard because this is getting crazy. Am I need to shut
down? I don't know but you're going to let everybody know where you live.
Now, I'm always gonna be it's basically gonna be like a bringer show. It's gonna be like comic bring like two friends that you trust and know
so guys if you join my patreon, what
is the law like see if we can find that like there's any written thing. I know many people. Can I have I don't know. Yeah, like what is the law now in La if these tick stalkers have too many people
but they would have a lot you're not going to have like five comics and because when I started I
think you should just be arrested if that's a law. I think you should be fined or something. I don't think you should be able to shut someone's fucking
pie.
Rather you just find me great. All right. Bye.
Yeah, if like if these tick stalkers like hey, you guys are violating the law. So here's a fine of $200. Yeah this what things make sense if you're finding someone for some like if you're if you park in the wrong place you can get fined but there's a thing that they're doing. That's weird. They're shutting power off wasn't it's on loud or unruly Gatherings known as The Party House ordinance hate Dan Bilzerian that ever work on you officially took place, August 15 2018. They never use it on him the ordinance claims to curb.
Repeat offenders of out-of-control parties of residential neighborhoods with escalating fines and new enforcement from Los Angeles Police Department. I don't think that's connected to this is
2018. Is that like a blanket statement
don't think that's connected to these are all
mm. We love spending Heatwave. I was a hundred and seven. You can't cut off someone's electricity in a hundred seven exact eat exactly wild
and we're all we're assuming they're kids and they're allowed to be there. Okay here property owners who skirt building and safety rules or city laws such as Los Angeles party.
A sword is for the same law right are in violation of covid-19 Public Health orders in the city's Party House ordinance, which becomes the law in 2018. So the talking about that law and it said it wasn't clear whether garcetti's announcement was related to that motion. Hmm. Okay what
it's feels like it's just a little added
lock. It's still exactly they're making it up as they go along. It's still sneaky. I like the proposal penalties for large Gatherings could include Water and Power shut off, huh permit
options and having a certificate of options occupancy held or revert revoked for large close contact largely maskless gatherings in violation of City emergency orders and County Health order. So the City emergency in the county health order. They make an order saying you can't have a large Gathering and if you do they're going to do a new thing which is shut your water and power off. When do they fuck never do that? Unless you're a fugitive you have to have like a gun and pointing it out the window and
I'll show you how we're always at risk of fires, and now you're making
Is Candlelight like that's not saying I've seen what I've seen these kids they don't shower. Anyway, it's just you don't punish them such slippery thing. If you're loud, it's a God complex think it's
stupid that these kids won't have these parties and we were talking about dr. Malak and all these people that came to him that got sick from one of those parties you can get sick for sure and there's probably you know, it's a high likelihood that people are going to die if they keep getting sick and they infect someone, you know out of you know, it's like zero its point zero four percent of people who catch covid die. That's what the current
Endings are so it could lead to a death or two. It is possible. But I just I just don't think you should allow people to do
that. Do you see how the Steve Banning was busted by the mail? Did you know that the male could make arrests The Daily Mail the mail like the nail it was the Postal Service. They like a rest Postal Service police. That's who arrested Steve and alone
girls are talking about politics and have to pee so bad. Can we keep going?
Look at this post office has some I want to sell. My teacher has arrested Steve Bannon. Is that cool? Let's read it. Look at his face. I'm gonna bother guy. He looks like Javier Bardem going to be Joseph Rogan. The US Postal Service is out to deliver Justice against former white house chief strategist Steve ban, and it may not come as a shock that Bannon often described as a grifter was allegedly caught up in a scheme to defraud donors Griffin. Yeah. They have fucking police. Isn't that crazy? I hate when they take tweets from PI. This drives me nuts when journalists take tweets.
Some people I don't know who fucking this person is and then they post their tweet as if it's real journalism. That's not journalism and look they only have 322 likes on the Tweet. It's not even a population yet their part and parcel of an Elite Police Unit known as the US Postal inspection service uspis, which has been fighting crime since the mail fraud probably you and your tax fraud. You're going to make these people soon Annie you're going to know these people any minute. There's 1200 postal inspectors who carry weapons.
Make arrests execute Federal search warrants and serve subpoenas. They've even inspired a CBS series The inspectors haven't heard of it didn't feel like it. Was that a Spire. They made five thousand seven hundred fifty nine arrests. Can you imagine since put your hands up 1872 the have you ever been arrested? No, I got like, you know when I was in high school, we were bad, but I never got arrested. I got like the caught once we took a 3-foot bong out into the alleyway.
To smoke for some reason high school and then obviously neighbors were like the kids are smoking a giant bong in the things that the cops came in and were so high. We're like trying to hide behind the bottom like so tragic but my one friend who had the weed on him got arrested, but I got arrested but do you still smoke weed out of bombs or just do joints? Um sometimes I mean, I don't really smoke that much weed anymore. I started again and now I'm remembering why don't the old early on taken. I can't remember my phone number when I want to be as alert as
As well. I like to be able to pay
attention and chime in and stuff.
But yeah, I'll smoke out of a bong sometimes. I think I was my throat was getting really fucked up from the Vapes. Yeah, I'll I don't yeah, I don't I don't like they think I don't think it gets me high enough. Remember when we thought Vapes were like healthier than cigarettes. Are they remember when we were like Vapes or healthy? Oh you're shining my patreon.
It's a big factor to stop on
picture. I look at wait.
Huh? What nothing on the chassis of a
bong? I'll show you how to identify three and smoke weed and I want to tase you. I had a three foot. I mean, I'm a little bit interesting. I do like attention. I like attention, but I also like not working on myself David Blaine. The bar is High.
Um, what were we just talking about? I caught whatever you
had though. I had to service the Postal Service can arrest people. There's 1,200 people that can arrest people they carry
weapons and they arrested him for fraud. Is that
Resident for tax fraud for raising money for that private?
Border, wall right now wild
wild.
What is this? What is this?
Kill Cliff? Very good friend. Who does this give you a little buzz at all or no? Just good for like Cain and stuff 25 milligrams. Wow.
I'm trying to find this picture. I have a picture. I had a 3-foot bong for a second and for mother's day one year. I dressed it up like like it was a boy. I put a hat on it and I was like sending my son to school. I put a little backpack on him. This is
delicious Instagram and stuff right kill cliff.
Do you think that Instagram is going to be replaced by reals? We'll really this isn't Instagram but I mean it's like I was at one point because now your algorithm like you have to get a certain number of likes and comments in order to get an algorithm at all. Right, which is harder.
It is reels like
more it's like a tick tock is running its base Instagram just Rob's it's great. What did with Snapchat to Instagram to the stories when Snapchat, you know kind of went away right haven't started on the reels yet, but I'm excited. I love having this Outlet especially during this time where we can
Stand up. I love I love Instagram a lot of comics just like promote or don't or yeah their dog and they're listening to what I love that. I don't see a movie where you Comedians and make them so successful, but I really love the making jokes on is like my
favorite. Yeah. It's a great place to do it. It's a fun way to like just you post a picture and say something funny. It's a little writing
exercise. It's also like like journalists are so fucking lazy now like news is just Jennifer Lopez.
Posted this thing on Instagram, they just take all their news and all their photos from Instagram now. Yeah,
tell me stories get written just from shit. We say on this podcast just story.
It's crazy. Well, I'll see you in like the internet like Twitter will be you posted a picture with me and Owen Smith, I believe and it was like one of the days you said one thing. I don't even remember what it was but the internet had blown and I could tell because I was tagged in the picture of you. So all these people were commenting and I saw you later and it was not a different day for you in any way if you are
Effect you were I was like, I wonder if he like it was just like boom boom. Boom. I was
getting all these notifications. I was just so funny that you didn't even was probably when I didn't like video games or
something. Did you I feel like you got maybe was like, I feel like two years ago. You got like super famous like super super super famous. Did it feel like it was like two years ago. There was a famous. I don't know what happened. You're always famous you were famous, but then you became a religion. I think
it's a cumulative thing.
Uh, if you just keep moving, yeah, keep putting out podcast. Yeah, and people more and more people listen to them and then to many people are listening to you. Yeah, right then it becomes this thing.
Yeah, and then it's like every word you say is there like you have a response
also. I'm a fucking moron which a terrible thing like if people are getting advice from me. Yeah. I don't even take my own advice a lot of times don't
listen to me. You're fun to listen to and talk to you is because you're like humble and you're willing to entertain ideas in aren't yours and your ask the right
questions. I think it's so important that we're talking about.
Or they don't get married to your ideas. I've been married to my ideas before it's gross. Yeah, it's gross because then you defend them and you Lyin you manipulate your words to try to make it seem like you're right when you're
not running it was in that I think it was in that that same book we brought up so many times you get dopamine when your bias is confer confirmation bias when someone agrees with a wrong idea that you say you get
dopamine. I used to enjoy winning like arguments like that and now I want it I like on
Honestly, like when I have someone on the podcast it's saying something really ridiculous that I know is horseshit that I'm like, okay. This is my opportunity to just exercise this thing and I want I'll just speak nice and slow and like why do you think that like what what is it what's going on? Like tell me how you make the what about this and I'll give them opposing ideas, but I won't be married to him. I'll say well that doesn't make any sense because this yeah, but I'm not saying in a mean way. I'm like, I'm crying I try I like when someone's like really
Actually, someone sees something real that they don't even really think through they Justice is like a predetermined pattern of behavior a conglomeration of ideas that I've adopted as this ideology and I'm going to push this forward no matter what and those people are fascinating because when you talk to them, they are fucking married to those ideas and they don't even know
the niqab married to strangers married to strangers and you're
arguing with them about some shit. They haven't thought through it all and they almond the I've I've had people fall apart and it's so fascinating because look I've been drawing a thousand times on this fucking podcast or more.
Or but when there's a moment if I know I'm wrong. I'll be like, okay, that's not right
and that that specific podcast today all the time everything you've said it. But yeah, you are able to change your mind after getting new information. Will you show a lot of people just like that you're trying to prove yourself wrong you're trying to like. Yeah, it's ego. But
even in science, it's a real issue when people come up with a new scientific discoveries that other scientists didn't recognize there's a lot of fucking blow back. A lot of people get angry scientists get pissy.
We egotistical and it's super super disheartening when you take all of your information from like archaeologist, but then one archaeologists will find some new discovery that like predates Civilization. Like I've seen it with Graham Hancock. I've seen it with a Graham Hancock. I've seen it with Robert schoch because his geologist from Boston University. He was talking to this archaeologist about these geological findings that show water erosion and the outside of the Sphinx that could have only taken place at 9,000 BC which would predate all that Egyptian construction like way earlier than they thought.
Thought it was and this guy's mocking him and laughing at him a scientist and instead of going Fascinate because this is his field. That's right. It's a fucking geologist. Okay, and he's saying these watermarks can only be created by erosion. This is water erosion. This is not wind and sand this is water. They saying I'm a geologist I have sent these images. This cropped image has two other geologists. They've agreed with me. This guy's just mocking him. I'm like, oh my God, it's ego. Yeah want to think that he's been teaching and writing books these years about how
How old is fixes how old the pyramids are and he's been wronged and he doesn't want to admit you like? Oh, no,
so it exists in everything even in the people that we would lie on the most for information church are married to their
ideas. He should have been fascinated. She didn't like wow well have to revise my boy
a new book dude. Yeah, then you get this crazy new discovery that oh look at it. It
looks like there's many errors of construction because if you go deep deep deep into the Sanders and older era and it's a very distinctive error they built things.
Differently than and then this era does they do it this way? And yeah, they can get it narrowed down to these epochs. It's fucking fascinating. But meanwhile, this guy's ego wouldn't let him see it and you wash it you little wow. So what what civilization was from
14,000 years
since then they found them they found actual civilization like Gobekli Tepe. That's a hundred percent more than 12,000 years old 100% without a doubt was filled in 12,000 years ago. So the guy was wrong but meanwhile
his idea.
What his
he clutched him? Like a baby was protecting from a storm. Yeah,
there's so much of that in medicine, especially when there's new Solutions and shit, you know, like I was reading about the board certification for veterinarians. A lot of these veterinarians have to learn wrong information to pass this test to get board-certified. A lot of it's already been debunked because it's like older veterinarian something that was true 30 years ago now has been debunked and they have to like learn all this archaic shit just to pass this arbitrary
test. Well remember the
Food chain.
Remember we have bread a day eight potatoes ever that pyramid, right? There was a fish. It was like one piece of fish in one little piece of steak the fact that we used to think that shit was good for us. Well, that's why neurons Wonder Bread cream cheese and and beef and didn't eat. No. No, this is the thing people always like this is Atkins fell on the ice and broke his head well,
He was off balance from all that cream cheese roll didn't hear wrong. I remember I was taught when I was a kid. The healthiest thing you could eat was like a blueberry muffin. I know you low fat and I've been eating a lot of blueberry muffins and they really do make you look like a blueberry Mom. I love her body any no, I like my the problem is amazing, but it looks good at always. So it's hard to lose weight. But you also look like you're like it fucking strong as shit. I look fertile.
You're like, yeah, you look like a fucking break the baron. Yeah the truth it now do you work out heart? Like are you I do I like to work out a lot. Yeah do enjoy working
out does that was that ever a thing that like helped you when you were getting over booze like exercise?
Yeah. I did. I started doing yoga because I was very detached to my femininity. Obviously again Dennis job my family, but my mom is like my mom's very like sporty the can't use the word I want to say, but you know, she's so
I was always very like let's just play sports. No dolls all this stuff. So I was I had no attachment to and then with yoga I kind of got really like girly and it and it helped me in the just the body weight stuff really helped. Yeah, but now and I like doing Jujitsu, but I'm not fucking doing Jiu-Jitsu during the shit. Do ya sitting in each other's mouths.
Well, you're doing it noogie to which is you know, you're in like fucking liars. And yeah, it's really it
was closer. It's so sweaty. And so gross. I know you can contract it through ball sweat. I know.
For
sure, but you it does improve your immune system. That's what's interesting fun. That was the most fun. It's the most
fun exercise you're doing math problems on people's bodies. It's
incredible. That is what it's like. It's so cool.
But you know what I wanted to ask you I can't get weights anywhere. They don't sell wait anymore. I know it's hard, but we can you get date you if they're sold out of Weights, whatever is in quarantine. I've been trying to get in
shape and that nuts because no gyms are open. That's the other thing California all these gems how many these gems are going to say? Oh, did you
see those ridiculous ones those pods where they had like people were surrounded and like
Yeah that pods working out. So he
runs up. I'll get some weights. Yeah time
Ray. Could you tell me what I'm doing, you know better than me. Okay, our gems ever going to be the
same. Well, no, no think this is the first of all it's going to yeah, maybe but like three years from now, it's gonna take a while for people to get
over this shit also the online stuff. I think that the everything a lot of things can exist online and it sucks because it's harder with willpower. I think like doing a yoga class on a zoom is very different for me like I like taking classes because I get competitive and shit. I want to be
the person next to me. It's just part of my motivation whether it's healthy or not. You know, we're like the instructor yelling at you or whatever trying to like impress somebody. Yeah, whatever the fuck you know,
yeah. That's why the not going to get that from Zoom you'd it's definitely it's like some comedy right? Right like Marc Norman said it was like methadone comedy
with the real thick it's also because it's like we have worked our whole lives to you know, get precise timing and like a two second delay changes fucking everything. Yeah, you know, it's like, you know,
Second by second. Like yeah, I was doing comedy out of the window at the shore and it was like you couldn't have it at the same time and they ended up not being able to do its regulation stuff. But yeah, they had have a 10 second delay was what I was doing like a podcast with Eleanor Kerrigan my fucking angel and we were like joking and stuff but that delay so I would say something that I was like, this is gonna fucking man, right? Yeah. That's a she'd be talking. I behalf listen to her and looking at waiting 10 seconds like one Mississippi two me
And then I look at it with bomb and like fuck. Yeah, it wasn't good at like watching it takes amazing how we are so conditioned to have that immediate gratification that like cock laughs. Yeah, and then just even on Zoom like doing like talk shows or Zoom podcast, which I really do not like doing just that one second fuck's up the flow in the chemistry of
everything. It's also there's an energy that people have when they're in the room. That's right. Like that's one of the things that comedy does that people don't talk about it. So I got hypnosis thing going on. There's a sharing of energy the laughs. Are you physically feel
Numb,
you're not supposed to be out of relationship. It's like do need each other and also the energy that the audience gets from each other being shoulder to shoulder with another person that contagious and also like yeah the home court advantage of your in my fucking house. Now, you're in your bed snuggled up cozy like the building. Let's all try to explain this option. Yeah, by the way where you could be looking at something else at any
time. I try to plan on Comics if you watch a comedy special like someone's comedy special. Yeah. That's maybe 70% as good as seeing the last oh, yeah.
Very rarely translates as well. It's tough because filming a special is like kind of tense so you're not loose and when you're loose you're funny. So it's hard for people to be loose and then it's also weird because that the fucking not being in the room thing is like 30 or 40% like this feeling that you get when you're there when you like
yeah, she's alive right now. Hi. Yeah. It's
right there. But when you watch it at home, you just sitting back and you're alone. I wish I can
cut out a lot of Applause breaks and stuff.
And specials because at home she cuts out. They have laws break all the
standing ovations. Just got a bit much.
No, but I just mean like when they're there they're gonna laugh a little longer at home. They're like, haha moot now move on. You know what? I mean? You don't want to hear that like have them have to hear other people laugh. I always add some and you know emotionally
that is weird because I have heard that did you receive people
adding Maria bail have track and so Maria Bamford did a special for her just her parents and her living room sofa.
We can start shooting specials for small
crowds. She's hilarious. She's so funny. That sounds like something she would do very
funny. She did stand up just for her parents on the couch and their living room so far. I like what I like uniquely herself person. She is it's just my favorite thing and
people everybody tried covid comedy while ago remember when was the comics name that put that special out on HBO with no audience at all,
Michael.
To I mean, I know what's up. Fuck Michael drove Micheal Drew Michael. Yeah, Drew Michael did a special with no audience and when like
it was weird body it was weird, but it wasn't the only took us Wang. I always appreciate a swing. I
always appreciated. Hey why me because it's a different thing right the used to be like live performances. That weren't really stand up like remember Eric bogosian. Yes. Yeah. He used to do these live performances that were
They were not really stand up. There were these things, you know, they were these stories he would tell right? Yeah, I remember that.
Yeah, I remember that to remember. There's this guy Josh fadem. Did you ever know him? Yes, he's so funny. What do crazy shit like he would go on stage and just like run in place and it was like so weird like not funny and then he would just like keep doing it and like people start walking out and then he was just like keep running in place and then by three minutes in your diet laughing and you have no idea why yeah, he
He'll do a thing where he like accidentally fucked up the mic and it falls apart and he's like and but it's so funny. It's like Tangled Up in it and it's like you want to hate honestly like as a comic like I'm looking at your face you want a maid but it's so like it's charmingly fun. It's just some weird like thought exercise or performance art or something Reggie Watts to like he makes way makes sounds funny. Do you know what I mean?
Like Reggie can do so many different things, right? That's the thing about Reggie's. He's like
Josh made his big moment was and second.
The darkness of this age is confusing like yeah. Did you
like how dark the main room got when they do remember I'm talking about when they just the week before. Yeah, then they put those like lights up those like crazy LED lights. Yeah. I think I liked it. I was getting used to
They looked the pictures looked beautiful the try it was
taking when do you guys think it comes back? We're all guessing like everything we're talking about. I
had bucked the La Jolla Comedy Store for two weeks and shut down.
I think it's going to be six months to a year. Whoo. Oh, yeah, I just move my tour to fall 2021 theaters. Whoo, if someone can figure out the ventilation system if there's some I don't know why this were not figuring
this out. Someone comes up with a rapid test that's going to fix everything. That's yeah. That's right. Rapid test. You test someone as you're walking in it's a long-ass line lines going to take a lot longer than it will normally but you have holding rooms, right, you know
would be amazing. You could have you would completely get rid of the
I said you could do like how long is it going to take for our emotional trauma to heal of like member the days when you were just being a comedy club in a waitress in the dark wood hand you a drink with a straw and you just put it right? Everything's gonna be different. Our whole earth is going to be different. I mean imagine just taking a drink from a girl at a bar and put it in your
mouth pouchy was saying that we're not going to be able to shake hands
anymore. We're not gonna be able to date rape drug people anymore. It's like so upsetting.
You can't put me the drug anymore. I mean, it's like what is this doing to our brains? Just in terms
of like let's go closer and closer to Virtual Reality. Yeah
for sure drinking ego death. I feel like we've all been forced into this epic dose of mushrooms that we didn't mean to take and it's like everyone has to face their mortality, which I think is all we're doing all day. Anyway. Yeah, but it's now it's like, oh the we're watching death were there's the death of our of being entertained. There's a death of going out. There's a death of meeting people that are shaking hands the death of actual people and I think
It was Tim Dell and I were talking about how like 9/11 everyone's a comparing this to 911 in some ways in the fact that it's just like a trauma but 911 like brought us together, you know, it was like there was this like let's go out till 2:00 in the morning. They're not going to fucking win and everyone was instantly yes friends with each other and now everyone's instant enemies with each other. I walk down the street and people who the fuck put your pull your fucking mask. I'm a stuff so funny people are so crazy. The Mastiff is crazy. These alt is fuck
you there. It's like outside in the sun. Like hey, man, it's not even possible. You don't even know what this is.
There was a guy
I went to Venice Beach and there was a guy in a wheelchair. Who and I used to work with kids especially in so I always like to make iconic say hello to people in wheelchairs one sentence that makes you the most likable I was a special ed. Whatever no big deal. I'm a hero I gave it up to tell dick jokes to do God's work. But so I always like to acknowledge because there's such a people don't want to be rude, but I want to stare and then they're never looked at their never talked about. That's why I'm always like do jokes about people will be like do like do every like make them a part of things because
The week will joke about of course. Yeah. It's like there's no punching down like shut the fuck up. But so so I was like I was doing my little like our and I had good citizen like I contacted this guy and goes what a fucking mascot and I was like, okay and it was because it was so funny. I was like I was trying was one of my Vlog days my new Vlog only on patreon and what and it was like I just turn the thing off because I didn't want to focus on
I don't want to be like I'm videotaping a guy in a wheelchair but it literally were in the fan thing. That's ever had. It's amazing. That content is the most offensive board. But if someone calls me a cut if I think I'm funny like we need a new work is of a guy called me a cunt like I'll start laughing they don't work enough women though. There's not enough hard lenity. We
need herd immunity.
It's such a good word. It's so good. It's short. It's
cutting. Yeah, it's got a tee in the end of it. Yeah, I
still like bitch bitch is still pretty good for me. If someone called me bitch, I'm like damn
bitch is softer than cunt though. Yeah for sure as a sound the thing is like the thing about cunt is the
sound a that is sharp as razor sharp calling a guy a cunt. It's always like oh, yeah, he's such a
bore. So time for men. Yeah we mankind. Yeah, I called it men cunts.
Yeah.
Guy calls me a bitch. There's something so 90s about it. There's something so retro, you
know you go to England in Australia though. They toss it around like a beach ball. That's what's weird. It's
like bitch. Is there contrite? I
don't know. What is their
cunt Fanny is they don't they don't use it that
much for girls though. They use it for each other. You know, it's a term of endearment hats a jokey term like yeah, it's a fucker. Yeah, like they hey man. Hey, what's up cunt? He's a good cunt. Like he's a good kind as a normal thing for them to say so it feels like they are you
In content, they came over here and they you know, they realized that Cochise. I got to remap my Myra language. Yeah, because cunt is like a different thing over here. It's
dangerous. The one that gets me as fuck face is one but I can't think of a
place you can get away with two and it's got it but it's got so much power fuckface.
Yeah froze me actually is when other women call me hooker or a whore when a girl's hey whore I'm like Jesus.
Disorganized this me what if it's your friend, so it's like a hooker. Hey slut you girls doing that for a
while. They're calling each other hooker. What's that?
Like sometimes like wow, you are a fucking slut. Yeah, but you're doing it to be funny. If you were saying guys can't call us this but where I wonder they're confused me if you don't want any more closer legs.
I don't know. What's happening. I feel like I'm really good for you back. This is Cynthia. What's happening stairs of the best? Yeah. I feel like I get out of here and my nice posture is always liked so much. So
I think we came to a series conclusion that you guys need your own show like legitimately.
Okay. What are we gonna do
here? I think you've been jumping we need to do
it. Can we have the sauna to and everything I have and what are you doing to take calls or give advice or say? Yeah, maybe we trauma bond with someone calls, Noe trauma bond with
them and you guys need like a neon sign behind you.
I want to dunk contest.
Has any fucking Letterman so bad behind me and my podcast I want it so bad. We can't punch David Letterman podcast. I really want to make you famous. If anybody wants to buy me that neon pay for my eggs to get frozen. I won handily zombie Jose. I'll be all paid if redirect or you can have my program Commander 20 grand. Wow. Yeah be cheap that. Yeah, that's cheap to you.
Yeah.
If it's a girl you can sighs. Okay. All right, I'm gonna name it Butch if it's a girl. Well, I'm gonna name it country and his little Frozen little Frozen concept should be the living like special special about get your eggs frozen. Maybe 250. Do you want kids maybe? Yeah. You should have a kid, maybe I feel like I'd be a really I think I went through so much. I think I'd be a really good mom Mike. My niece's are like my fucking favor.
Visit my nephew's to I love them so much. I don't know so I don't but I talked to my nieces nephews every day. Yeah of them. Yeah. My niece is eight. We've been pet we just started becoming pen pals. Yeah. I'd like to video for me. It came like so cute. Now that the mail is going to be cancelled. Well, they don't I know just when we became yeah, but a my little niece who's for she oh my oh my God, my eight-year-old sent me. I gave her a snow globe of Hollywood and I was like whenever you miss me there in Boston, I'm like whenever you miss me just think about and so she sent me it was four years ago. I sent it to her and she sent me a picture.
Snow globe because I think about you all the time on time is so much. It's like I'm gonna get those rapid test. There is a chimera something that happens. Like I that biological clock shit's real. I look at babies and I'm like, I want to fucking put that baby in my mouth. I also look at that's sorry not in this climate like me. I don't like a compulsion for when I see please I just want to squeeze of yes. I just I don't want to miss out on like the experience like we are on this.
Us Earth to have kids. Yeah, I don't it doesn't look that fun to me women's only purpose is to Bear children. And you know, that's what it does. It doesn't look that file. You know, my friend seemed very happy and tired but it does seem like a lot and but I just when I look at my so I have two brothers. My twin brother has two girls and my older brothers two boys. I'll have a hermaphrodite but it's like a perfect like it's just like they're so perfect there. So no, you might see other people's kids. I'm like, I don't think that that yeah love them and I just want to thank you be back.
Great mom. I think I would be I think I would I think
it took a lot of fun you be a fine
Mom. I do have a compulsion to adopt though. I don't know. It's I rescue animals so much that it's sort of is like and they kind of like getting your kid from a breeder getting your kids are breeder. Like tickling my adopted kid to it. Did you see that Sia that singer adopted like 18 and 19 year old two black guys? Okay, like she adopt. I don't know how you adopt a grown man. She just did I thought I didn't know.
Could adopt people that were over
18? Maybe they got some weird thing they're
doing they're not by the way. She she's like 40 something. I think every guy you've ever dated his base little bit and adoption you pay for them. You take care of my men like I like my dog. How many comedians do you think you've dated like three is it weird that I haven't dated any comedians? Don't smart. No, it's thank you. I honestly and I think I'm done with like I'm like, I think I went through all the
ones I did one ever when I was open my career and I was
She's like me
what you think. It's fun. We can't do its constant. That is fun. Just it's really funny. It's just a little bit of a like whose bed. Is that as mine? Like when you're in a fight, I
guess you could if you were you were like if you like sort of Workshop to bit
better. Yeah. Can I have that or if you take it I'm going to tell people you raped me sir.
There's a weird relationship though when a woman comic in a male comic get together. And then one of them is right in the other ones jokes, and you could tell and you're like, oh that's
Her writing. Yep, that's his
right? Yeah the worst because they're a hybrid. I write a joke for someone and I'm in the back of the room and someone's like doing the bit and it gets the biggest laugh obviously because that really does happen to them so good, but you're great joke writer. No, but I like I like I cannot help but going like ninjas get stitches. I'm so sorry Gavin Newsom. Do I get money? If I ran out that I wrote that joke.
He's the one who wants to give you
anxiety.
But you've ever dated a comedian. I think if I was dating a comic and I saw them do poorly I wouldn't be able to fuck them again. I will be rough if I don't respect someone I have a hard time. Well, I wouldn't like yeah, you can't like openly date somebody don't respect that you're
dating a girl and she's a comic and she sucks that is going to be rough to for a guys. Well, right and then I'll touch it. It's real good.
Should that she passes you using your joke? I'd be
roughly you go.
I don't know. It's a fun experience. Like I do remember that.
But you can also do that in just friendships with Comics, but I just have so many people like all about jokes. It's so fun. But I'd for me. I had some darwinian instinct to be like do not piss where you eat like do not toxify this environment. This is the only place you feel safe is the only place like why any of these guys if they were like DMM was like, ooh, I think
some girls don't feel like no one gets them but comics and that's why you see Girl Comics wind up with male Comics because like for a woman to be the funny one. I think I'll do a lot of guys are intimidated by that like,
Guy was a regular guy with a regular job and he's dating a funny comment. He's going onstage murdering The Comedy Store in the main room. Yeah like that but
there's plenty of guys that don't feel that way. So it's just like
the ones where ball game
ha ha ha. Wow. You really know how far other girl guess we do have to wear strap-ons. No. No, I just think it's a
different kind of person but there's a lot of guys can't for sure. I mean everybody's different but there are a lot of guys who have a problem with a woman being the funny one.
well, also you have to this happens a lot where a guy who has nothing to do with comedy is like really into you and you're like, oh great like a man and then they see and think are kind of like, oh, no, they've seen you to stand up and they're like into it and then they go, you know, I always kind of wanted to get into comedy like if someone hit on me,
I didn't think I was funny or something. I was like they could be hitting on you because they like that you're funny but
here's the difference between men and women right here and there because if there was a guy and he's dating a girl and she's like, you know, I always thought about doing comedy guide be like you should be so stupid. They wouldn't even realize the girls fucking them just to get them to come and they would
have no idea be like, yeah, you should do it. You funny. Yeah. I got the
girl lets the guy
fucker. I don't want you to be a comedian. It's just saying
I don't want to date an open mic like or so you're going to start you're going to humiliate Me by being the worst comedian in the room the
difference between men and women. If a girl's hot a guy will still fuck her even if she's an open mic her. Yeah take her to the show. Yeah. I'm here some duties like a headliner on the road you doing theater and you get this really pretty girl friend. Also don't want to be a comic you
like and I think I fucked myself a couple times because I always felt like okay don't emasculate this guy laugh at his jokes. So I would laugh at his jokes that weren't funny and then he's like, well she thinks I'm funny.
Must be hilarious and then he want us to start doing stand up to on the Spectrum. Do they have a lot of trouble fake laughing? Like I'm like my face is like I like look at them. And I remember Tony what's being like I see what you're doing or not laughing. I was like Tony it's just was like to punny in this moment. I just like can't fake laugh. Yeah, Tony not that Tony's not the fucking funny. I
ever puns. There's no no one is better puns
Antonio over this know what quarantine I've gotten. So close with Tony I am I get him. I love him. He's awesome. I
I accept his craziness like I don't know where I remember when Tony Smoke what when Tony didn't he go vegan. Is he being
a vegan then he started eating meat. I remember when he was in
bad shape. I remembered he was a door guy and he was like a mess and I just yelled him. Stop smoking
cigarettes. He thought that being vegan was gonna help him like at places health or
really lost a lot of weight like it was
he doesn't need to lose weight. He's got a crazy metabolism. Like you can eat everything and just goes just burns off on
Yeah, he's gonna be so happy we're talking about him. Hey, dude, he knows I love him though. You know Mitch Burrows as he's a he's at The Comedy Store to so funny. He's a door guy. He's so funny though. There's one of the guys that like that's his way into the comedy story. We were
talking about that. We're doing the documentary to it's one of the coolest things about the stores that everybody gets treated like a comic the door people the people that work the cover Booth. It doesn't matter. If you're if you're a comic you're a comic and we a lot of us like whether it's Duncan or re or
so many as people started out as door people that so many guys so many guys
and I think that the common denominator the common Star Comics is these are people that want it and at all fucking costs like you people like your comments are coming that place is toxic. It's like you're throwing shit around like that. I spent from 5 p.m. To 2:00 in the morning every night for like four years, like, you know, it's sort of like the amount of time we put
in it's not toxic. It's just it's not it's a wild place and sometimes weird shit happens there and sometimes you know,
Annoying and sometimes people bomb and sometimes people feel like they bomb because the person before them was too gross or to this or to that. There's a lot. Look it's a fucking dangerous place. Like I've had shitty
said ya know sometimes nightclub, like one of them when you remember when there was all of a sudden like wave of white female comedians in the middle of black lives matter going like oh wait were victims of being treated badly by male Comics. It was just like we don't want to post about black lives matter anymore. It's embarrassing. It's making its own kind of woman couldn't like black people have where with
Were the victims again? So so I one girl had written something when she was like I you know, and I have to have male Comics walk me to my car at the end of the night. It's like okay wait, so they're nice enough to walk to you're saying the night. It's not comedy that Sanders the nighttime is
dead. Darkness is dangerous clubs nightclubs are people drinks dangerous. But I mean, I would love to have one not want to be a woman. I would not want to be someone who won't someone wants to fuck all the time and you know that bad walking by like
personalities like us
We do a great job of repelling that I think it's
art. I think it's harder. I mean there's some aspects of being a man. I'm sure they're probably more difficult, but I think overall the physical vulnerability part is huge. Yeah. It's definitely huge in a confidence business, right? Because the thing about stand-up is a lot of it. It's a confidence.
Yeah. Well, I definitely started wanting to become a weapon like I was like when I start doing Jiu-Jitsu and stuff
Like this is how it's supposed to be like and I remember during the me to movement and stuff. I was always like there's something missing here where it's like a conversation with young girls about like learning to be to stand up for ourselves and be strong and it's not victim you would get called victim shaming and it's like no it's about you have no control over the outside world. So it's protect yourself as much as you can when I was a blackout drunk. I was literally I was my own bodyguard leaving to go to the bathroom for fucking six hours and my body's just there. It's like you need like to me. It's like becoming the strongest
As I can be with I'm a woman or a man and like being able to just eight years ago was like if I was a woman I'd want to be the strongest woman in the world. I was like Tate. I just want to be hot like weird, but now I get it. I got to that age where I went. Oh, yeah, like I want to be able to fuck people they come and also I think it's like just getting your intuition on point. You know, it's like that Gavin de Becker book that gift of fear. I read that in a changed my life because it was like, I think when you're told for so long, I think the part that gets tricky is that Insidious like people telling
Ooh, you're crazy. You're psycho. You're too emotional. You're too sensitive like calm down relax hearing that for so long. My programming was the most fucked up thing because when I did actually feel someone being dangerous, I would override my intuition because I'm just being dramatic right just being crazier. I want to accuse this person of something but I got in trouble in that book. He talks about all the women that he interviewed that had either been attacked or assaulted. They always said I knew something was fucking off about that guy. They knew it even though he was helping them with their groceries or opening the door for them. They were like, I felt my body knew there were
Off about that guy. I
think there's something really dangerous about not about having a very limited amount of experience with crazy people with dangerous people because you don't know real violent people are real dangerous people you have been around them. And so you don't know that you could just run into them. You could take a wrong turn on Fourth Street and all the sudden there's a violent crazy person and you don't know what they're like, you don't know to get away and you want a nice like you don't ya there's this
Instinct. You're nice. I don't know but whatever but it's like you want you want to be rude to somebody.
An asshole but it's like it doesn't like what I want like what I'm so glad I learned what I would want to impart on by my nieces and even my nephew's it's like your safety and your and it doesn't even have to be physical safety your emotional safety. You're like what you want is the most important thing for ya. So that's why boundaries aren't bad. You know, it's just like set them up and like but for me like when we go through the commies for anyone who is ostensibly crazy. I'm usually not scared of those people the people advertising their crazy. Those are people have to worry about it's a quiet person in the corner. You're not hearing anything from
know.
So a lot of times it's guys friends, right? There's a guy who's cool, but then he's got a friend who's fucked up and he doesn't know his friends fucked up. Yeah, and you know when you're around this person all the time, there's slowly getting closer and closer to you and look it's and can be fucking really scary or there's just like a lot of men that are scary human being. Yeah. I'm capable of violence the grill skill like we hear about someone murdering somebody new that person who murdered somebody that's a tricky feeling. Okay, like
what but that's why
building up your own shit is so important because you can't control a crazy person outside of you. So like all these things words like men need to stop. It's like yes, of course, but also, how do we protect ourselves? How do we
it's not men though? It's those men though. It's nice. Yeah, we're people that are doing these awful things to people. Yeah, the Pinnacle of murderers or rapists or thieves. It's like we have a real problem with lumping people in the
group and we really are so disconnected from our intuition because I'll have it sometimes like a woman will come up to me in a meet and greet and I'm like, I have a weird feeling about this person. I can't tell
Why I can articulate it. I know ostensibly the person seems really nice. I have a weird feeling about this. I mean this person to to go, you know, whereas other people are grabbing me and shaking me and I feel fine this person like just being able to
like never fucking know you never never know. We we can't look at each other as groups because we're going to have blind spots. You can have these believe all women blind sponsor believe all men blind spots. Those are bad. Yeah, they're
bad and some people just fix on you fixate on you get obsessed their social media. There was a girl that was like a runner-up on American Idol. She was doing a meet and greet someone.
I just walked up and shot her so crazy person who thought they knew her. I had someone up I had a security issue with someone who thought they were emailing with me for four months. They thought we had a relationship, you know, and when you're in that kind, I'm sorry about that posting on social media feeds into their idea that your connect. They think you're talking to them, right? Yeah. There's a lot of really sick people out there
one percent of people in this country are schizophrenic. Yeah, I think that's the right number see if that's right number. I mean
Is what percentage of people what would you guess what percentage of people are schizophrenic? I mean, it's sort of
like no stop. I like these guessing. He's the kind of people. I know it's like these the kind of people that are like going out of their way to get
evaluated Yeah. Well, yeah, right. There's probably more than that.
Yeah. I was gonna say it's probably going to be a little bit more than whatever it would be.
What would you think it would be a new percent? You should so much of the stuff we're talking about you. This has been a long intervention
this whole fucking show so much to me. Are you talking to me?
So much of the shows so under-diagnosed the right one percent two percent.
It says estimated 1.1
percent and these are just the people that have gone in for medical attention percent have no someone's running around John untreated and I need a joint Mission between Jamie the
1.1% They roughly estimate they add in 40
percents just the lineup at The Comedy Store percent, but it got to tell you I have bought a lot of shirts from Boone. I will say that I'm Shackled by seven t-shirts been around.
You get scared about people like that. Yeah older weirdos where like, where do you live with nothing to lose? Yeah, you're like job is to hand people shirts where I don't even know where you got them from but I saw her walking flea market is like might one of my crazy's is still here.
Listen kids was rapid up where more than three
hours ago. I have to be decided my Waters got to
bring you guys agree, right? You should do a show together. It's you guys have epic chemistry.
It would be the best show I'm dying. And it's so hot food chicks shows are so hot right now
hot like you saying that right now like we're supposed to Country Chicken to check but also have problem. Do you have to be my Jamie though trouble cam? Okay. Yes, I think how often is it that you see female Comics getting along publicly and supporting me. I have like my girl let that this thing when they make it like this Oprah. I'm every woman should it's like no. No, I'm not friends with all female Comics because we're automatically female Comics but I have little
Lester I talk to every day I talk to you all the fucking time Bonnie McFarlane. I took I'm not selling any
relationship. That's what you have in common a little Esther's hilarious. Bonnie McFarlane. Soul areas are funny comedian are
so funny and they're so it's just so fun. It's and we don't feel competitive. I mean there's a lot of like hitting each other against each other and competitive shit. That's just like so fucking exhausted
don't you think we're talking about the comic store. The other night really does hold true that this is the least competitive era of any are of comedy and the most supportive.
Yeah.
Right, but we support each other because the internet because there's not limited amount of slots. Like this is the thing that we were talking about with Jay Leno like back in his day. There was only one host of The Tonight Show. That's right. And everybody wanted that spot when Johnny Carson left, there's a lot of people who wanted that
spot though. There was one and there was another than it but back to that one and there's also you've shown us that helping other Comics helps you. Yeah, there's there's plenty of pieces of pie, you know, like the water rises paw. We love puppets. I love you guys you're so it's like you should be such a piece of shit you how are you?
I think we should say really quick. Like I do think it's important to say like as do we go into this like next chapter of like Joe Rogan that a lot of people I think is I think a lot of people assume that like if someone's on your podcast that means they're famous like you've had a lot of commit you have made a lot of comedians lives by having them. Come on this part. It's gonna make me cry. I'm happy to do it. You have probably saved people's lives letting them come on this podcast. I moved out of my car and he would be dead if it wasn't for you. Let's she would be sucking a dick Donna because they came
Repossession we fucking some guy in a wheelchair down in Venice, but I mean truly like think a lot of people don't necessarily understand because it's good so many millions of views that like a lot of comics you have a battery or like truly Homeland. He's by the way, he's uncomfortable with this which is because you're cool you have you have truly given people careers you have given people their lives their sanity left following. I mean, it's really it's a big deal. It's a
big deal. It just made sense. It didn't it didn't seem like sent anything I ever had to think about.
I just wanted to help and I knew I could help so I just take funny people and put them on and you still do it. I still do I just did Ali was on last week. Oh my God. I love you. So now everybody knows that funny shit. That's yeah. That's what we're all supposed to do. Like we used to wait. I live or Tonight Show or we would wait for an HBO special. That's we used to wait for we don't have to do that anymore. We help each other and it helps me to because then people trust me more like, oh, he knows funny people like these people he gets on me like like so they not like I'm not trying to give you a bad show. Yeah someone on it.
Is there cool? Yeah interests like so many comedians get really famous and successful and stop hanging out with other comedians or stop helping other comedians. We see it a
lot. Yeah, because everybody gets this is what it is because I'll tell you because I felt it myself but I just figured realized what it was and I stopped the think the thought process you get scared. Yeah, because you have so much you like. Oh my God. It's so much everything so much like well, I just want to keep this going in. Yeah, just keep this gravy train rolling. I'm going to start with stop saying fucked up things. Maybe stop doing podcasts of comics just concentrate on scientists you can
That you could really start thinking like that. And I know people that have done it in a lot of famous comedians it get to a certain point. They don't want to take any chances anymore. So they don't take chances with the material. Yeah things that got them to the dance and either avoiding now they want to like play it safer. They are slow it down a little bit but this is not good for you and I saw it though. I felt that I felt it as the podcast started ramping up moment. Mmm-hmm. But you just gotta do it. You just got to keep doing it that the way to do it as you get high get drunk. Sometimes you talk shit you have fun night.
Hey time to
status. He talked to you know, really interesting people that are authors and Adventures and like yeah, you just do what you did. That's what that's all I'm doing. But the be able to help Comics is probably the best part of it for that's really love. I love watching it happen. I love watching people to have a career, you know, because I know they can yeah, we all of us that are good you get to a certain point you're making people laugh and you're good if you're dedicated to it, you can have a career. You just need to somehow or another.
Be like not not even meant or just someone opens the door for ya. So it says come on in the show everybody how cool you are?
Yeah, you also pioneered a sort of career and an art form that a lot of people wouldn't have known to do that have given them their livelihood a lot of comedians who are working to get that five minutes about on The Tonight Show a lot of those communities who were going to get that sitcom like you paved a new route, but also what if you didn't have a podcast and then none of us had podcast and then this fucking corn to happen. We were just be like like sitting around waiting for
Missions are so good of called me up. He's like thank God you talk me into doing a podcast because everyone else
started it in the car. That's right after or before I did your truly feeding people's kids. Yeah,
and everybody who's a comic if eating my
eggs dysfunctional if you
have the ability to do a podcast, why wouldn't ya why wouldn't you like let people know like more about how you think and yeah about what you're interested
in so interest because my podcasts is only live like 30-something episodes and it's you know, sometimes I interviewing
sometimes I don't put those people it's all been to called and 11 got me inspiration. Oh, you're very shy and you don't want to promote your stuff. I'm not aggressive. No, but I want to start doing more. Like there's these people who's like they have therapy podcast and stuff and these different types of people that I would love to interview. Like I want to do more like the people that I love rather than just comedians or whatever. I'm a podcast to but I'm pretty successful so don't
How about I'll go for you, but Annie needs it more. So give it to her bop. Bop bop. I have to pee so bad.
Okay, let's wrap this up every participating via. I love you, too. Thanks for doing this. I'm glad you guys are gonna do this podcast. I'm helping my God. I'm gonna load it. All right.
Goodbye everybody. Hi. Whoo.
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